Getting unstuck

I've been stuck in a place of not wanting to work the WW program for a long time now. It's been hard getting out of it and I'm not sure I'm really there. But at some point it's necessary to change the behavior first and the feelings will follow. That's where I am right now.

My friends and family want me to get back on track with it all and I know they don't really understand why I've relapsed so much from being the WW poster child who lost 117 lbs. Regaining 40 lbs is not a happy thing for me either; the clothes don't fit and I'm uncomfortable in my skin and moving in my body. I got tired of doing the program, of having to watch my weight and counting points and looking at food labels and thinking about food all the time.

But I have to do this my whole life. All of it, even the parts when I don't want to and am sick of it. One of the good things about WW is that they know we don't always just lose; people don't do that, we go up and down, hopefully more down than up. I've been in a not so happy place lately, but it's time to just suck up and change the direction. Not because I want to, but because it's necessary.

My friend Phyllis changed her eating over the last month and lost 13 lbs. I've been concerned that she's not eating healthy – but who am I to talk, as I stuff my mouth with sugar and fat and bread and all the comfort foods that bring short-term satisfaction only to be followed by disgust and self-loathing. Mostly I've been jealous of her ability to change her downward eating spiral, OUR downward spiral, and make a change that has given her more energy, weight loss, and a sense of accomplishment.

I want that, too, but my total to lose is just so big that it is defeating me to think about. To get to the ideal weight that my doctor wants for me would mean I need to lose another 100 lbs, and that just feels crushing. I want to be enough where I am, even while I hate that size and shape. I can't do it all at once, maybe I can't do it all – but I can do some. One pound at a time. Small goals at a time.

I know how to do this, it's just time to take one step. And then another. Maybe after I take a few more of them, I'll see a new pattern and build some motivation. No one else can give it to me, I have to find it for myself.