Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

Crummy knees

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Medical issues have also been circling this week. I learned on Monday that I will have knee surgery this summer, something that actually is a relief given the pain and general discomfort. I had two MRI's last week, one of each knee, and seeing the results with the doctor made it clear that knee replacements will be in my future at some point. If I were older now, we would be talking about it – arthritic deterioritation, bone spurs, internal edema, ruptured ACL's, etc. Sigh. I physically can't put pressure on them at all, stairs have to be taken by two-footing each step (which makes me feel about 100), and I can't bend more than 120 degrees without pain. So I don't.

Weight looms over me because I know that, although it may not be the only reason for the bad knees, being so heavy for so much of my life certainly didn't help them. My doctor had me tested for diabetes this week, too. More wake up calls that even though I may not feel particularly like losing weight and getting tough with myself — far from it, I want to reach for comfort food and non-stress things — it's necessary for me to change the behaviors first, and then the feelings and motivation will come to support it. I know how to lose weight when I put my mind to it. I simply haven't been focused enough on it. This week I'm back focusing on the mechanics of it and not worrying about whether I want to. I don't have to want to, I just have to do it anyway.

Standing up for two hours to teach last night didn't help. The knees don't like to bend but they also don't really like to be straight, either. Thank God for podiums to cling to when the pain got bad, and for my beloved Birkenstocks. No way could I have done that in heels.

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