Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

This is about me

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Weight Watcher ChickensI went to a WW meeting on Saturday. I didn't plan to go, it wasn't my regular meeting or my regular day or my regular center or anything – and I'd had things to drink not an hour before I got in the car and went. But I went to bed on Friday thinking that I could actually do the weight thing now (something I say now and then), and I was afraid not to pay attention to anything that would help.

It's still been hard for the last 3 days because I'd gotten used to eating pretty much what I wanted – the "Anne Plan" instead of Core or Flex. I know how to do the mechanics of it all, it's really a matter of just doing it. So I'm picking out a couple of strategies – writing down food, drinking water, eating more protein, NOT eliminating any food category – and starting small. I don't want to make a big huge deal about it, I want to just be doing it, so I'm glad this was a weekend when I wasn't under the watchful eye of people at work or tempted by the crap that shows up on the table outside my office door with such frequency.

My best friend was telling me today how fat she feels and I believe she does – but the thing is, she's only eating about 600 calories a day right now to try and get down to where she wants to be, and she's lost 30 lbs and weighs 60 lbs less than I do right now. If SHE's fat, then I am disgustingly horribly obese in ways that make me just cry to consider. I let myself go there for a little while and could feel myself getting pulled under. I know I should be focusing more on her and her health and not my own selfish feeling of fatness. But it's hard because this is something that hooks me hard and fast.

This year has to be about me. I have to be selfish and set some boundaries and make different choices than the ones that didn't work before. I need to not compare myself to anyone else, just do the baby steps, those little tiny things that add up to giant strides when I look back later. But all I should do is take one step, one issue, one success at a time – celebrate it, share it, relish it, and keep going.

There will be time later to think about whether I want to be dating or taking those kinds of social steps. I just don't want to right now and that's neither good nor bad, it simply is. I have plenty to deal with right now without complicating the mix with men. If dating works for other friends, dandy for them, but that's not a reason for me to feel pressured when just sticking within my points is hard enough.

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