I'm getting stressed about the discussion on Frances' Amazon Blog, the one where Frances was responding to an email from a woman asking her for advice. The level of response in the comments that followed was in some ways very aggressive, very angry, very emotional – with a lot of wisdom thrown in, of course. But it bothered me, I think because I remember myself when I was fatter (and God knows I'm not thin now) and I saw my own words in hers.
None of us wanted to face being fat even though deep inside we knew that we were. Having people tell us that we were fat or slobs or morbidly obese didn't make us accept it, not until we were ready. It's like with any other addiction. I can dig my grave with my fork but it's my grave and my fork – and until I'm ready to actually deal with the reality of what I'm doing to myself medically, physically, emotionally, socially and all of those other -ly things, there was no way I will do the hard work to change it.
The thing is, I'm not really as ready to change it as the other Amazon Women are to change theirs. I worked so hard to lose the 117 lbs. and yes, I gained some back. But damn it, I kept off 75 lbs! Doesn't that count for anything with anyone? With me? I want to lose more but I guess I miss being fussed over and recognized for having lost such a heavy burden, something I just this second realized.
The first year that I just stayed on my little plateau I was practicing early maintenance, without realizing it and without having any real instruction on what to do or how to make it work. And I did fine with it, basically staying in one place for a whole year. I wanted to lose more but not enough to actually do anything about it, and that was also okay.
Bottom line is that I'm scared of losing more. The Amazon Women are strong, determined and confident of the paths they are on, and I'm just not, not tonight. I'm almost afraid to post there right now because I'm afraid they will jump on me they way they jumped on Miss 234 – I'm making the same excuses to myself about why I'm not taking the steps I need to take.
I will always have to watch my food my whole life. I can never just eat whatever I want. Even when things have felt out of control in the last months, I've still held on to a lot of the things I learned in WW and continued to go to meetings. I would have gained back far more if I hadn't, so clearly I did really learn some things.
I'm craving bread, potato bread in particular, but have this thing in my head that says that bread is bad, carbs are bad. So I'm filling the need with something else, and veggies don't cut it, forcing me to substitute Reese's Pieces (which I don't even LIKE all that much) instead. Talked to Lori tonight and she helped me think about what I really wanted and to make sure I found a way to get that – which means shopping for potato bread tomorrow and then scheduling that in my food plan so I get the satisfaction I'm missing.
What I also need is a really good vacation, something I haven't had in a long time. I'm plugged in all the time and unable to really unwind and get relaxed to the core. Figuring out how to get one will take a little doing, with some work travel and surgery already scheduled. But this is necessary and worth doing. I think it will pay off in more ways than I can imagine.