I have a headache

Headache and distressA splitting headache, to be precise.  And I don’t really know what to do about it.  I’m having knee surgery on Friday and can’t take anti-inflammatories for the two weeks before that.  Everything in the cabinet seems to be off-limits right now – I know there must be things that are okay to take but not what they are.  I’m hoping that it will go away by itself if I concentrate on other things.

The time is getting closer for this surgery and I spent the weekend getting ready for it – cleaning (something I despise doing although I like having a tidy space), doing laundry, cooking and freezing individual portions of food that will be easy to manage on crutches. I also bought and assembled a little cart on wheels with baskets instead of shelves that I can push around to get stuff from one place to another. I have a feeling this will come in handy; a similar one did before.

A wave of aloneness hit me while I was out and about doing all this preparation and the hot tears poured down my face at the idea of dealing with everything on my own.  I live alone and have for over twenty years; that’s not a problem usually.  But having just come from a family reunion and taking care of my own mom when she was sick, being alone next weekend seems like more than I thought it would be.

I know I will be fine.  When I first come home from the hospital, I will be sleeping a lot anyway, and there really isn’t space here for anyone else to stay without blowing up that Aerobed, and then there’s no way I could move around on the crutches.  I’m just feeling sad and sorry for myself and a little scared.  I’m in a lot of pain now without the forbidden meds – what if the surgery doesn’t help?

No one has said anything to me about the knee being so bad because of my weight, but I know it’s a factor and I feel guilty.  I know that it’s not helping and that the weight adds possible complications to the surgery itself  I weigh less than I did the first time I had the knee surgeries but I’m also 10 years older.

I want to not hurt and be mobile and able to get back to normal life.  I want my head not to hurt.  I want my nose to stop running and the tears to stop falling.  I want I want I want I want.

I want a hug. And there is no one here.