Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

I have a headache


Headache and distressA splitting headache, to be precise.  And I don’t really know what to do about it.  I’m having knee surgery on Friday and can’t take anti-inflammatories for the two weeks before that.  Everything in the cabinet seems to be off-limits right now – I know there must be things that are okay to take but not what they are.  I’m hoping that it will go away by itself if I concentrate on other things.

The time is getting closer for this surgery and I spent the weekend getting ready for it – cleaning (something I despise doing although I like having a tidy space), doing laundry, cooking and freezing individual portions of food that will be easy to manage on crutches. I also bought and assembled a little cart on wheels with baskets instead of shelves that I can push around to get stuff from one place to another. I have a feeling this will come in handy; a similar one did before.

A wave of aloneness hit me while I was out and about doing all this preparation and the hot tears poured down my face at the idea of dealing with everything on my own.  I live alone and have for over twenty years; that’s not a problem usually.  But having just come from a family reunion and taking care of my own mom when she was sick, being alone next weekend seems like more than I thought it would be.

I know I will be fine.  When I first come home from the hospital, I will be sleeping a lot anyway, and there really isn’t space here for anyone else to stay without blowing up that Aerobed, and then there’s no way I could move around on the crutches.  I’m just feeling sad and sorry for myself and a little scared.  I’m in a lot of pain now without the forbidden meds – what if the surgery doesn’t help?

No one has said anything to me about the knee being so bad because of my weight, but I know it’s a factor and I feel guilty.  I know that it’s not helping and that the weight adds possible complications to the surgery itself  I weigh less than I did the first time I had the knee surgeries but I’m also 10 years older.

I want to not hurt and be mobile and able to get back to normal life.  I want my head not to hurt.  I want my nose to stop running and the tears to stop falling.  I want I want I want I want.

I want a hug. And there is no one here.

2 thoughts on “I have a headache

  1. Hey, I’m sorry you are feeling bad and that I wasn’t online today. You know, I have these moments without facing surgery or having a headache. I think all of us want want want. And at times, all of us are uncomfortable in our own skin even if we are with or without anyone. But that’s not what you want to hear.

    And yes, I would be feeling guilty too about my weight and worried about the knee surgery. Having a terrible headache (it’s probably due to stress and/or the heat) doesn’t help and being stressed out isn’t good either. I wish I could make you feel better.

    I’m sending you a virtual hug. The beauty of it is you don’t have to entertain me nor do you want to say, ew, she’s still wearing her gym clothes and it’s almost 11 o’clock! When you’re home, you can get online and chat away with us, okay?

  2. Wish I could hug you from here, sweetie. I hope you managed to find some relief last night and got a good night’s sleep.

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