Out of control eating

Smiling pigToday was bad.  My little string of on-program days broke and they scattered all over the floor to be tromped on by my big feet en route to the student union to buy more food.  I didn’t bring lunch which I knew was a mistake but I couldn’t remember if I was meeting someone today for lunch or not.  Oops, it’s tomorrow.  I was out of lettuce so couldn’t make my normal salad and need to make a grocery store run for a lot of things instead.  But that didn’t happen yesterday because I had PT and was too tired and sore when it was over so I just came home.

But not being prepared gets me into big trouble.  I know this and I could see the train wreck coming and yet I didn’t take the steps to stop it.  Sometimes it’s not about what’s convenient and easy; in fact, often it’s not.  If this was easy, I would already be thin.  I need to put more effort into it and not just coast.

Because when I don’t, I can blame everything except me for the failure to stick with the plan.  This really isn’t that hard to do.  I’ve been looking for reasons to explain it that don’t involve holding a mirror up to my behavior, my actions, my attitude.  But really that is the heart of it.  If I cared enough, was dedicated anough, was focused enough – had dug deeply in enough to anchor myself, I could be doing this with less turmoil.

I realized today that I’m really late in responding to Frances about my follow up about the questionnaire.  And I think that maybe this has been in the back of my mind for the last two weeks, thinking about my issues and history with weight problems. With the failures and embarassments and reliving the pain.  Mostly I looked at her list of preliminary questions and just said “ewwwww, this is going to really be hard to talk about,” and proceeded not to follow up.  That’s not solving anything either.

So I’m making a commitment to myself first of all and to Frances, to respond to her about setting an interview time.  Talking about those questions will be really hard but I think it will be important to face things I’m hiding from.  I’m not even totally sure I know what they are, though the level of pain and tears I have during those conversations will tell me a lot.  Some tears are therapeutic and healing and I need to do this as part of my process of facing my relapsing.  Frances is doing it.  I can do it, too.

I owe it to myself to be honest and shine some light into those really dark scary places.  It’s already lonely and painful here; it might as well be productive and not just an abyss of nothing.

Quiet before the storm

SpiderwebIt was a cold raw wet day in Boston today and we wore sweaters and even jackets. I left my beloved pink thong sandals at home because yesterday my toes turned into little ice cubes in my office, and it turned out to be a good decision as the inside temp hovered about 64. I do not work well when I am freezing.

This is the quiet time before the chaos starts. The halls are beginning to bustle with clone-like students in their Armani suits on their way to job interviews, trying to bag the best firms for next summer. Things start early in law school! Classes haven’t started yet, there’s still registration and orientation to go this week first. And the rest of campus is quiet and expectant. More and more people are around, setting up and getting ready to be invaded by the masses in the buildings and dorms.

Boston is a wonderful city with historic sites and cultural significance, but it’s really a big college town. In the metro area there are over 65 colleges and universities and when we hit “back to school” mode in the fall, some 250,000 students hit town. That’s a lot of students, most of whom don’t know where they’re going and are on their own for the first time. I’m starting to feel kind of old now as I watch the freshman explode onto campus, with generational differences in clothes, music, language, knowledge, and experience. But they are smart and motivated and ready to be launched if they are allowed to go. Our jobs are to support them as they learn even, providing a setting where it can happen and the tools they need to get results.

This is the calm before the storm. The summer is deadly quiet – it’s time to wake up and start moving again. The students bring energy with them and the city changes when they come. It’s a Good Thing.

Motivational advice

My WW Arlene sent this out to her list this week.  Worth pondering:

Here’s a startling statistic that I just read to the September-October issue of Weight Watchers Magazine. (By the way, this is a wonderful magazine, I always feel very motivated while reading it)

“65 % of Americans know that the TV show, “American Idol” has three judges. Yet only 8% are aware of the link between being overweight and developing cancer, according to an American Cancer Society poll.”

We are obviously in that 8%. And now we know we can lessen the risks of cancer by getting to an appropriate weight. And feel good and be proud, and look great.

Let’s refocus, set a new timeline, begin some new healthy habits, revisit behavior that was getting you a weight loss and ENJOY the PROCESS. You win when you lose!!!

Have a low point/Core kind of week.

Saying goodbye is hard

Waving goodbyeToday is the last day at work for someone I’ve worked with for 16 years. He’s leaving this place after being here over 20 years, going to a new opportunity in a new city. It’s exciting and scary for him and I guess for us … and I feel as though I’m bleeding. He has been a wonderful mentor and friend as well as a supportive director, and I am going to miss him terribly. He is the only director I’ve ever known in this job and it’s hard to picture someone else sitting in that office running the show.

I don’t trust people easily, particularly men, but I learned to trust him with time. He was demanding but fair and he knew how to listen, really listen, when it mattered, not just sit and figure out how to respond while someone else was talking. He supported me through personal and professional trials and opportunities, including involvement at the national level, and I owe him a huge debt. I can’t pay it back but I can pay it forward.

Today it’s gray and rainy and generally sad and it’s hard to think about all that lies ahead for us and for him when we get past it. We will all be fine and do things that will bring satisfaction and fulfillment. But today saying goodbye is just really hard.

So much for PT

I’ve had one physical therapy appointment – Monday – for my evaluation and to plan out what we’ll do during my rehab.  I made 5 more appointments including one tomorrow morning at 8am before work because I already had plans the other days.  On my way home late today I was figuring out how to manage all the morning things in time to make the appointment.  Not being a morning person, I need to get all this scoped out in advance, especially when I’m doing things out of order.

But I came home to a message on the answering machine from PT office saying they’d missed me at my appointment (that I didn’t even know I had today) and hoped I was okay.  Now I’m annoyed.  I had things to do today and told them I couldn’t make an appointment for today in the first place – and since I missed an appointment with less than the required 24 hours notice, I now have to pay them $60.00.  I know that’s the charge, I understand I’m responsible, but I’m seriously annoyed.  I’m not sure if I will also actually lose an appointment because I didn’t show up today.  Sigh.

I’ll call the PT tomorrow and see what I can do but mostly I’m feeling stupid and behind and stressed.  The knee, fortunately, is in relatively good shape until I try to sleep and roll over and hit it.  That usually wakes me up and something I’m hoping will settle down with a bit more time.