Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

Retail therapy reflections

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Sometimes shopping is the only thing to do. Lord knows I tried today and I ran myself ragged from 8am until almost 5pm – okay, I wasn’t actually running but the car got quite a workout. It was a beautiful, well, make that hot day, and I did my best to plot a course that would be efficient and avoid the afternoon college football traffic that fall Saturday afternoons engender in my neighborhood.

I did my share of mundane errands such as the annual car inspection and weekly grocery shopping, but I also managed to spend a good bit of money on an assortment of other things: a new jellyroll pans for the kitchen, a little red plastic thing to massage my knotted muscles, a new cordless drill/screwdriver. I picked up my newly framed Utah photo that my brother gave me for my birthday. I treated myself to lunch at TGIFridays – a juicy Jack Daniels burger with tomato and onion on a roll with 1/2 the fries. It was divine.

Clothes ShoppingAnd I tried on clothes – at Frugal Fannies, Dress Barn, Avenue, Catherines, Kohls. It was depressing and I ended up not buying much, which was a good thing actually. What’s the point of buying things that don’t fit right? I did get a sweater jacket and a sweater from Dress Barn but most everything that fit looked ugly (bad colors or poorly made). Most of the clothes didn’t fit at all because what fit the top part didn’t fit the bottom. I am definitely not a standard size. And being short makes it harder; I hate having to buy clothes and know that I have to hem them so they’re wearable. The line of the garment changes.

I wondered what Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear would have said about the choices I had today. I tried on most of what I could find more or less in my size that wasn’t hideous or completely inappropriate (I refuse to buy another polyester Big Shirt just because it will cover my hips). But they were just mostly ugly clothes. I wish there was a place I could actually go and find pretty things that would fit, that I could try on the way people do on WNTW. I guess spending a lot more money and moving to a different level of store would do it, but even then, there weren’t many for short people.

I do have pretty good luck these days with shopping on eBay for the slinky fabric clothes made by Vikki Vi. Stacy and Clinton may not approve but I like the way it feels and it doesn’t need ironing, which is a huge plus. Knowing how the brand fits means I can more easily just bid on eBay items and know they’ll work – I had a print tank and jacket waiting for me in the mail when I got home, and they were much more successful than the stuff I tried on all day.

My mind covered a lot of territory while I was driving around from place to place. I’ve been trying to sort out what is different for me now vs. when I first started with WW in 2002, and there are lots of things. One of them is that then I didn’t obsess so much about the weight loss. Well, I did. But there wasn’t blogging and IMing all the time with so many other people doing the same thing. It makes me focus over and over and over on how I’m not measuring up. Rightly or not, that seems to be a stumbling block. So pulling back a little bit I think might be a good idea.

I also had a more complete life then. I was enormously focused at work on chairing a national organization which required huge outlays of time and energy on top of my job. Even so, I made a commitment to myself to leave work at 5pm at least three days a week, something that has fallen away badly. That commitment got me out and to the gym in time to get a workout in before I went home, and still GET home at a reasonable time.

I treated myself more kindly and with more balance than I have been doing in the last year. I was opening out and meeting new people, spreading my wings and changing and growing. In the last year I’ve been inward-focused and depressed, seeing my limits instead of possibilities. There are reasons for why that started a year ago. But it’s been a year and that’s enough time for mourning.

I’ve eaten a lot in the last 2 weeks, things that will be showing up on the scale. It’s okay. the scale isn’t going to judge, it will just reflect reality. And I need to face it with a willingness to change. It will take however long it takes, not anyone’s schedule but mine. Tomorrow I will go for a walk. It’s still too early to go back to the gym and I could complete the walk before I would even get there. So let’s be practical. I have a fridge full of fresh food to chop up and cook. I think meat sauce over broccoli sounds good, and I’m making my sweet potato and apple casserole. And I will do a purge of foods that are too dangerously tempting to keep around.

I know how to do these things. The problem has been being willing to do them. I think I understand better what’s been going on this last year and that helps, and it’s a step beyond where I was yesterday.

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