Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

Another restart


Baby ChickWhat matters when we fall off the wagon is to just get up again and keep going. It doesn’t matter if the wagon is dieting, or gambling or drugs or alcohol or any other form of addiction (incuding overuse of credit cards) – or not going to the gym.  It really doesn’t matter what it is.  And most of us, including me, spend way too much time beating ourselves up for having failed and become total losers, blah blah blah, and then we keep doing whatever it was that we did so that it becomes a viscious circle.

I’m working to break my cycle.  On Sunday morning I went to a new WW meeting in a new place with new people, to try it out.  It was in a real WW center, unlike my regular meeting place, and it was filled with light from the many windows.  It wasn’t crowded but the people were friendly and the leader was engaging.  And one of the receptionists is someone I know, so there was a bit of the familiar.  Mostly, tho, I was able to concentrate on listening and the words of the topic instead of catching up with people and coasting. That’s easy to do when you’re not ready to work.

I don’t want to work. I want to just do it and not sweat bullets over every single thing I eat. I’ve done it before and I know I can do it again if I’m “in the zone”; the trick is how to get there. But I’m trying to change things up a little to see if I can find it again and make it easier for myself.

So I tried the new meeting and liked it.  I will go again – and will probably still go back to my other one, at least some, because I like the people.  But I’d gotten complacent and lulled into my habits.  The new meeting, the new place and people, made me think about things diffrently.  So far I’ve strung four days together of writing down my food and staying within my points, which is big progress.

I haven’t been hugely hungry, either, which tells me that whatever I’m eating is satisfying my need for flavors and tastes:  Asian pears, good whole wheat bread, corn English muffins, chocolate pudding yogurt with raspberries.  I made meat sauce and ladled it over steamed broccoli and onions with rice and added roasted veggies.  New WW lemon 2-point bars.  Remembering to have popcorn for snacks when I want something salty.

I’ve done stupid things that hurt my knee which is limiting my mobility. Too much driving around on Saturday made it stiff and sore and yesterday I walked too far to lunch (though Bertucci’s was worth it, as was the company). My knee is swollen and I’ve been limping and trying to pretend it doesn’t feel as though someone is stabbing ice picks into it.  Going backwards in the recovery was not my plan but it does seem to have happened. Now I don’t know what to do except go to PT, which I have again tomorrow.

Mostly I’m feeling pretty stable, except for the knee, and working on being kind to myself for a change.  And it is a change.   Spotting this article on MSN today was a reinforcement that I’m going in the right direction.  The one on Lose Weight Like a Guy is good, too. Nothing obsessive, just little things that are more about mindset than about tight-fisted control.  So far, so good.  And if I fall off the wagon, I’ll just up and hop on again. Okay, maybe not HOP with this knee; maybe I’ll make it slow so I can climb on first before I get going.  But I’m not going to stop.

2 thoughts on “Another restart

  1. I loved the MSN link – and I read one on sleep deprivation vs weight gain at the bottom of the MSN link that I liked too.

    It is funny (interesting funny, not haha funny) that some of US are motivated/demotivated internally and some externally.

    I am an oldest child and always the “wanting to please” type – so a lot of motivation for me – is External – comes from someone else telling me what to do – what food to eat (Frances in PFT, then curves, then finally Kay) and how to exercise (PT Colleen, Yoga Lisa, Yoga Kris, etc). I truly like not having to think – just to do. Not in the sense that I am likely to join a cult any time soon – I just like having it figured out. I guess back to feeling “taken care of” that I always craved as a child.

    Others rebel totally against having someone else try to influence them – must be totally internal/self-motivated. I can see that in many – what I look at as help for me – might be seen by others as trying to control them. Probably birth order and background determine all this.

    I am not saying that either is better or worse – just so interesting.

  2. I can completely understand the idea of needing to feel taken care of. I always thought it would be easier to lose weight if I had a plan which was very regimented, like Jenny Craig. But, every time I try a plan like that I fail miserably, and quickly, because I feel trapped. It’s like I don’t know which way I want things to be.

    I often find myself self-loathing and having detrimental internal thoughts. I look at myself in the mirror and see someone that is ugly and unworthy of attention and love. I feel that my career has been damaged by my inability to get past my own weight. My social life has been non-existant because I can’t believe anyone would want to be friends with someone like me. When I see women my age who look thin and healthy and beautiful, I hate myself even more and I begin to feel a sense of both resentment and envy at the same time.

    I know that I must stop hating myself before I will ever succeed in my own weight loss. I will not ever be healthy unless I really begin to love myself and see the possibilities of health for myself. I really appreciate the article posting! I am going to work hard on changing my internal dialogue from now on.

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