I read Lori’s post about being fragile and know exactly what she’s talking about. I know that when I was successfully losing weight, I did hit places along the way when I suddenly felt very exposed and vulnerable, as though a big scab had been pulled off and revealed tender skin that hadn’t seen the light of day or been touched in a long time. Those revelations were hurtful because they were unexpected; I couldn’t really plan for them so they blindsided me, even when the things themselves were not negative, the fact of them made me fragile.
And when I feel fragile, I go into self-protective mode. It’s enormously hard to just breathe into the moment and not fold into a little fetal ball around that newly revealed place, and say “please don’t hurt me.” It’s possible, you know, that we will be supported and not hurt when those new places are revealed but they have to be seen and experienced so that we know what we need when we’re there.
But having them pointed out to us by other people is annoying even when they tell us the truth. Maybe especially then.
I’m feeling that way right now about myself. I’m in self-protective mode about who I am and where I am. I am a fat person who successfully has maintained a weight loss so I’m not as fat as I was. But I’m still fat and I don’t like it or what that makes me. And I don’t like that I am so obsessed with defining myself by my body size and not other things about myself that other people see but that I put in a closet behind the clothes that don’t fit in my quest to only see the huge elephant in the front of the room – that I need to lose weight and I need to lose it now.
I read blogs from others of Us and just get depressed, not inspired. I’m just not in the same place that those who are actually motivated to lose are right now and reading their stories just reminds me of my failures. But not reading them makes me feel out of touch with people so it’s a lose-lose situation and that depresses me. It’s a good thing I’m on anti-depressants or I would be a real mess.
Life is hard. I want to learn to really prefer to eat an apple over a cookie but I’m not there. I want cookies and comfort food and apples aren’t it. Carrots are crunchy but they don’t comfort and celery is worthless.
Believe it or not, I’m trying to be kind to myself right now because I’m sleep deprived and my knee hurts and there’s lots of stress going on at work with deadlines and projects, not to mention the travel. I feel as though I’m being pulled in about 27 directions at the same time and there is no space for me to just be me, whatever size I am, in comfort and safety, for just a little while, before I need to gird up for the next attack.
I’m obviously not in a very good place right now. I’ll get out of it – but two weeks off without email access and without people sending “you need to do this” emails while I’m gone would help a lot.