Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

Quiet Saturday with Some Self-Pity Thrown In

3 Comments

SaturdaySaturday is the only day of the week when I can sleep until I wake up. Sunday I’m off to WW in the morning and the rest of the week is work. I could tell by the number of mornings I hit the snooze button for an hour that I needed more sleep than I’d been allowing myself – but I was surprised this morning to look at the clock and discover that I slept for eleven hours. ELEVEN. Wow.

When I get too much sleep, I wake up groggy and today was no exception. I lolled around most of the morning after taking a shower and washing my hair to feel human and help wake me up. It was a gorgeous day but today I just wanted to do as little as possible and it felt good.

I wrote some posts, did grocery shopping (after procrastinating for hours), watched Clean Sweep for inspiration and did some sorting/weeding. And met with a respiratory therapist who delivered my new CPAP machine. It’s a Res-med A8 Autoset CPAP with heated humidifer – and that puppy sells for almost $1,300. It should work exactly the same as my old one but it takes up a lot less room, which is a big improvement. The old one looked like a giant bug next to the bed.

I’m making lists of things I need to do before I leave Boston, including scheduling a ton of medical appointments to see everyone one last time (and get fresh prescriptions to tide me over). I didn’t know quite how many doctors I have; I guess it’s a sign of my senior status.

There are some pieces of furniture that I’d like to sell or donate, which will make a difference. My computer desk is gorgeous and I adore it, but it’s really bigger than I need, especially since I do more with my laptop now than the desktop. It weighs a million pounds and comes apart into pieces – but I don’t know that I can actually get on the floor to unscrew them, since my knees start screaming when I even consider doing that. Maybe I can make that part of the pick up and lower the price.

Clothes are another problem. Two new pairs of pants managed to shrink up at least 3 inches in the wash, even though I followed the laundry directions. I’m seriously annoyed because I loved them and had hoped to wear them into the spring. But I will look like an idiot so I’m not enthusiastic. I also need to dig out my warm weather clothes to see what fits, what doesn’t, and what I don’t like anymore. I definitely need to weed out a lot but I also need to have things to wear if the temps get higher than 60 (we’re still in New England and the spring weather hasn’t quite hit us yet).

There is too much stuff everywhere and it’s driving me nuts, especially since I know I have to either pack or pitch it all. Even the food in the kitchen should be dragged out of cupboards and freezer so I can see what I actually have in there and plan meals accordingly. Though how I will make meals out of some of the oddball combinations in there is a bit beyond me. Perhaps I’ll just put some in a bag to take to the food pantry, which will clear out the cabinet and benefit a good cause at the same time.

Tomorrow will be more productive and more structured, with WW, shopping, and laundry to do as well as finishing up a work project and sorting through everything in one storage cabinet. I’m starting small.

I also have to confess that I’m feeling bitchy and mean in reading about Lori’s big weight loss today. I know in my head that this isn’t a competition but it’s hard. We talked not all that many months ago and were at the same weight, and now she’s 20 lbs lighter than I am, and I’m feeling like a failure. That’s a hard cold fact. It’s hard for me to be excited and happy for her when I’m annoyed and upset with myself.

I could be working harder than I am, being more consistent and disciplined. Maybe I am simply doomed to be fat because I can’t get my act together. Right now the best I can do is stay treading water in one place. I know how to work the program; the problem is wrapping my mind about having to do it yet again, when it seems as though all I do is restrict and limit and fail and try to get a grip. It’s like being on a hamster wheel and repeating and repeating the same thing over and over.

I actually get some comfort in reading blogs of people who aren’t shedding pounds with abandon because it makes me feel less alone. I see how hard everyone is working on their lives to balance food, family, exercise, work, health and fun, and that inspires me more than just concentrating on the food stuff all the time. I’ve done that before and ended up distorted and unbalanced.

I’m in the right place for me now. Treading water to stay the same is the best I can hope for right now; if I lose, great, but if not, I need to be content and make sure I’m working as hard as I can on the things that matter right now. Which includes all the pre-move stuff.

It’s never dull.

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3 thoughts on “Quiet Saturday with Some Self-Pity Thrown In

  1. The good thing about days where you feel like you did when you wrote this is that in 24 hours they’re gone! This, too, shall pass, and all that. As someone who seems destined to work hard, eat right and stay the same weight for-freaking-ever, may I just say, “Welcome to the club?” Heh.

  2. You’re in a hard spot with weight loss because your activity is limited, but you’ve been doing really well staying within your points. It’s hard not to compare yourself to other people so I don’t think that you should feel bad about it, but everyone is different.

    You’ve had a lot of travel and a lot of heavy responsibiliites to deal with at work lately, so weight loss, understandably, has had to take a bit of a back seat to more important matters. I don’t think you should throw yourself into deep deprivation anyway, but there may be small adjustments you can make that wouldn’t feel like the gulag.

    Maybe trying to use what’s in your pantry for a while will get you out of your same-food-all-the-time ruts (says Ms. Peanut-butter-toast-every-day). Trying new recipes can be fun and sometimes it can be an interesting puzzle to figure out what to do with the combination of ingredients you have. But donating it is also a good idea if you don’t think you’ll use it.

    That clearing out and decluttering work is never a lot of fun to contemplate but can be oddly satisfying once you’re in the middle of it.

  3. The one great thing about the decluttering ahead of you is movies. Slap those VCR/DVD’s in the player & have a fest.

    Advertise the computer desk “as is” on Craig’s List & Amazon. List it as must pick up. Someone will buy it & come get it & you can stand back & waver goodbye. (That’s how I came by my computer desk which I also love).

    As for treading water: there are more treaders than swimmers & everybody who is seriously doing this Thing is going to have their moment of surprise victory.

    Enjoy your weekend (what’s left of it), keep hitting that snooze bar, & have faith that the work will get done & the commitment will refresh itself.

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