Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

Paying the Piper for Stuffing my Face


AngelWhen you stuff your face every day for a week, there are consequences when you get on the scale. I knew it wouldn’t be pretty yesterday at my weigh in and I was right – up 4 lbs in one week – but at least I went, got on the scale, and got it over with. I’ve learned that no matter what the damage, it’s important for me to get on the scale and see the results in numbers and not just in feeling stuffed – or thin, either, for those weeks when I’m feeling full of myself for having followed the plan.

Why is it so hard? When I first started doing this five years ago, I was highly motivated to follow the program. I was going to chair a national conference and wanted to not feel as fat and unwieldy as I had the year before as program chair. I went to the gym three times a week and worked out routines and recipes that I used to stick to my goal.

But the real difference was attitude. I cared about what I was doing and now I’m just eating WW food because it’s what I do, not because I really want to do it. So it’s easy to cheat on the food, eat a few extra things – or more, to not exercise, to open the closet and wonder why the clothes are fitting so oddly. Most of them are just okay, nothing I love to put on or that make me feel pretty. Lori, Jen, and Frances remind me that I’m worth taking the time and effort to find things that fit and do those things for me. Easier said than done – we short plus size people are pretty hard-pressed to find things with style that fit well without tripping over them. That gets old fast.

I’m in a funk right now with adjusting to a new place, a new job, a completely new routine. It’s harder than I had thought it would be, this uprooting myself and starting over. The new office doesn’t have a microwave or break room and the fridge is teeny. So my habit of bringing lunch to keep cold or reheat (depending on the menu) and having popcorn in the afternoon for a snack just won’t work anymore. I need to learn how to manage it and to find a new routine, whatever it is, that I can depend on. It makes a huge difference in my sense of control.

I haven’t found a gym yet, either. I wanted to wait until I started work because there are fitness facilities available which I haven’t checked out yet. I’m not totally excited about the idea of working out around students, or of lugging my stuff in to work on the bus and then walking to the garage a mile away. So I’ve been looking at others on the web that are close to where I live. Ideally I’d like to find a gym with a pool, the one thing my old gym was lacking. I know they’ll all have fitness equipment, treadmills and weights, and probably classes. There is clearly more to do.

In spite of myself, I’m getting more walking in during a normal day than I did before leaving Boston, trying to walk to or from the garage to get a mile in, or walking at lunch time to explore the area around my new building. Summer is a quieter time to do this while most of the students are gone, but it’s also hot and I don’t do well with heat.

I’m setting a new goal for myself. Between now and Labor Day, my goal is to stay at the weight I was when I left Boston. This will mean losing what I just gained, but Arlene always used to say that if you get right on it, those extra pounds are “just visiting” and will not stick around long. I have one more trip to make – to New Orleans, with all that amazing food – but after that, I’m staying put for quite a while.

There are too many unsettled new things in my life now and I need to not punish myself for not being perfect.

2 thoughts on “Paying the Piper for Stuffing my Face

  1. I forgot if you have your own office, but if you do, maybe you can buy a portable freezer/cooler from amazon or an office supply store. I’ve seen them at W@lm@rt and T@rget too. It would be easier than dragging a cooler every day to work — maybe one day a week you’d have to do that.

    As for the microwave, there’s no place for the staff to reheat anything, anywhere? If it’s another floor or something, maybe you can incorporate a walk to that place for your afternoon popcorn. (I have a friend who used to schedule a time for it–she called Mtg with Mr. Snacky.) (Microwaves are so cheap, I’m a little surprised.)

    When the weather’s so hot, maybe you can just explore one floor of a nearby building or something and stay indoors. It would be hard to walk in the midday sun or even in the late afternoon when it’s hot and humid.

    Maybe there’s a newcomer’s club at your new job/city and there will be some trial gym memberships. If, and a big IF, you think about joining the university gym, this is a good time to do it. There are students but it’s not insanely full of skinny girls and gym rats. You can probably get a summer membership without committing yourself to a year and break yourself into a new place before the fall semester. That said, at my gym (at a university), it’s quite horrendous the first few weeks when school opens up.

    It’s a reasonable goal that you have set for yourself to maintain. Life is unsettled with new routines, new changes, new everything.

    I’m really proud of you for sitting down and looking at the changes you’re facing and realizing it’s not a matter of you giving up or being “bad” or that kind of negativity. You’re just reacting to the big changes in your life and it’s huge, your changes. Have fun in Nola!

  2. Hey, sorry to hear you’re having a rough time adjusting. You were in Boston for a long time and so it will take a while for a new place to seem like home. Once you learn the routine at work, things will get easier.

    I like your new goal — it’s a good one. I’m sure you’re right about the visiting pounds — a lot of it was probably just water weight too.

    Hope that you have a good day today.

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