Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

Let’s Get Real


Wakeup ButtonWhen I eat too much and exercise too little, the inevitable results will be weight gain. With a few rare exceptions, that’s what’s been happening to me since I moved in June. As of tonight’s weigh in, I’m higher than I’ve been in a long, long time. Something about recracking a particular ‘decade’ number made me wake up and pay attention.

I haven’t been working hard at weight loss or taking it very seriously and it shows. I’ve let the portions get sloppy, my food choices become unbalanced, and my exercise practically disappeared. What did I think would happen? That I had some invincibility and could eat whatever I want and have it not show up attached to my hips with superglue?

I was actually pretty shocked tonight when I got on the WW scale because the scale at home, which usually at least lets me have a heads up on the official weigh in, didn’t indicate that this was coming. I stayed for my meeting and we talked about winning outcomes. Specifically, how to manage to get through December and reach January having achieved the outcome we want – whatever it is.

I have no illusions that I will lose weight between now and New Years. My real goal is to lose one pound and break back through this unhappy place where I find myself. Frankly, staying basically in one place will be an accomplishment.

Losing weight takes a lot of energy and I haven’t put much into my process since I moved. It’s not that I don’t think it’s important; I do, and I know that I would both feel and look better with even 10% of my current weight gone. But I haven’t cared enough about it to do the work that’s felt more like punishment at a time when I was already scrambling to learn a new place and establish a new life.

I’m not giving myself permission to be lax. Being “kind of on program” shows me that just letting go completely would mean regaining it all, as I’ve done before. I just can’t go there again. I’d rather stay fat but smaller than risk gaining it all back and then some, which is my usual pattern.

For now I’m holding on by the skin of my teeth. I’ve planned my food for tomorrow and will try to get in some extra walking, though my knee gets very unhappy when I do that. I haven’t been to water aerobics in six weeks “because the water was too cold” which is a pretty stupid reason, although the water really was freezing. I don’t promise that I will go to class tomorrow but I will be back at the pool within the next two weeks because the water exercises were the only things that helped without pain.

3 thoughts on “Let’s Get Real

  1. Give yourdself a lot of credit for the unsettled feelings that a move brings.
    Give yourself a lot of credit for being realistic and kind to yourself too.
    Is there any possibility of a “handcapped” pool in your area? They keep these pools VERY warm.

  2. It takes time to get settled. You have a new job, new place, new routes to work, new grocery stores, new WW meetings, etc. etc.

    I like VIckie’s suggestion. We have a kiddie pool (it’s not referred to it as that — but it’s the tiny pool) and that’s where I went and did my PT exercises in the water when I was first cleared.

    I really do understand how you feel; I’m feeling that way myself at the moment. But let’s remind ourselves it’s just for the moment and figure out some answers for ourselves.

  3. Hey, you know what? You faced your truth. You’ve looked yourself in the eye. That’s about 1/4 of the battle (maybe 1/8 in December).

    Be very very easy on yourself, dear. You’ve been through a lot in the last six months. You knew you were going to get a cat in July but couldn’t until travels & visits were out of the way, remember? & we all know that losing weight is a zen thing: you struggle for a while & then the familiar ballet of it kicks in.

    You’ll get there!

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