Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

2 Comments

Feeling a bit overwhelmed by all there is to do for the holidays?  Take a peek at this version of Martha Stewart’s Holiday Calendar.  It’s been around a while but always makes me chuckle so I’m reproducing here, with an update or two.

Holly with berry faces

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows Vista.

December 8
Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with beeswax from my backyard bee colony.

December 9
Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved ones. Post podcast on my website.

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children’s use. Create festive mood by hand making snow and playing my Christmas album.

December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float scented votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 28
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 29
Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I wove myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.

December 30
Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.

December 31
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

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2 thoughts on “Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

  1. Love it! December 10 particularly tickled my funny bone – along with the 28th! Don’t you wonder whether Martha ever sees things like this and is able to laugh about it?

    Thanks for sharing.

  2. This was forwarded to me by a friend, and I thought it was TO DIE FOR!!! I laughed until my eyes were filled with tears 🙂

    Having said that – I’m a fervent Martha devotee, so I overlook all those things that people like to criticize about her. Let’s face it, her magazine is STILL the best one around and you can’t beat it for inspiration.

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