Feeling a bit overwhelmed by all there is to do for the holidays? Take a peek at this version of Martha Stewart’s Holiday Calendar. It’s been around a while but always makes me chuckle so I’m reproducing here, with an update or two.
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
Debug Windows Vista.
Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with beeswax from my backyard bee colony.
Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved ones. Post podcast on my website.
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Lay Faberge egg.
Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children’s use. Create festive mood by hand making snow and playing my Christmas album.
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Float scented votive candles in toilet tank.
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I wove myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.
Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.