I am No Martha Stewart

Martha StewartI’m home sick today and have been alternating between dozing off with the cat and watching brainless TV. Right now I’m watching the Martha Stewart Show for no good reason except that I’m fascinated in a not good way by today’s craft project: dying Japanese glass pearls to the exact color you want, from green to lavender to pink to gold, and then threading them using satin ribbon and monofilament to make a unique necklace. Perfect to wear with leather, according to Martha. Who knew?

Elle McPherson is today’s guest and she looks like a thinner more beautiful version of the rest of bumbling Us, trying to follow Martha’s nit-picky instructions and getting frustrated when hers turns out looking less, well, perfect. At least she was having fun with it and not trying to take it so seriously. I think.

The last time I wore pearls was when I was dressed up as – aha! – Martha Stewart for Halloween. It was the month she went to prison and I transformed into her by wearing a long skirt, pastel twin-set, short strand of pearls, a white Martha Stewart kitchen apron with a wooden spoon stuck in the pocket — and a set of plastic handcuffs. Everyone knew who I was immediately. Too bad I didn’t know about these custom-designed fancy schmanzy dyed pearls strung on ribbon. Nothing says Martha like an overdone craft project.