Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

Shopping and Other Heavy Thoughts


I’m having a hard time right now living in my body.  My knee hurts a lot and I actually bought a folding cane this week to have in case I need it.  I’ve been aware of my size and feeling uncomfortable physically but also in my head as I see myself in a mirror or think about the fact that finding clothes that fit and actually look pretty is usually an exercise in futility.

Today’s outting to do that ended in a little mini-meltdown at the Avenue over a display of sweaters that were too long, too ugly, and not in my size.  I’m not desperate enough to buy just something to cover me – but I do need some new things because the clothes from last fall are snug around the hips.

The right solution is to magically adhere to a food plan, watch the weight drop off, and skip happily into the future as a thin person. But that’s not happening.  Right now I’m hanging on by my teeth to staying in one place on the scale.  The idea of working the WW plan just seems to have a reverse response in that I start sabotaging myself as soon as I try.  So I’m not.

There’s a difference between being fat and accepting that you will always be fat even though there are health and other issues associated with it, and being fat and trying to change it.  I’m somewhere in the middle between them right now, I think.  I’m really really tired of defining myself as my body size.  And I also want to be able to accept myself in this body size without turning that into a decision to stay at this supersize forever.

Many of you have suggested/recommended/advised that I get some therapy help.  And I do understand where that comes from.  I am making the choice not to.  Twice before when I asked for help from someone in a therapy role, I was abused, once physically and once emotionally.  I’m not going there again.  Instead I’m going to listen to my friend Amy in Hawaii, who is the most positive person I know.  She’s focused on living her dreams, not dwelling on the things that get in the way.

I don’t even know what my dreams are anymore; I’ve been too focused on my body and not my heart.  It’s time to pay attention and ask myself some questions.

UPDATE — Head over to Beula’s Dear Ethel site and read Friday’s post on Self Respect. Great list!

7 thoughts on “Shopping and Other Heavy Thoughts

  1. HUGS

    My girls and I talk about that very thing all the time.

    The ‘grandpa’ guy who volunteers at Youth Ministry – WHY exactly is he there and is it appropriate?

    This middle child is wary of him. Would never put herself in the position of being alone with him or getting attached to him in any way.

    But he probably IS okay – he had a grandson that used to attend. Grandson grew up and moved away. Grandpa thinks that group is a worthwhile volunteer project.

    And actually in this group there is a girl that is a year older than the middle child – and that is the one that sets off the middle child’s radar.

    Middle child told her that she was inappropriate. That she was coming on too strong to middle child and that middle child didn’t know her well and she needed to BACK OFF. This (my middle child) is not a child that has Victim Stance.

    I warn my kids about The People that become involved in the clergy or scouts or the police department – because it betters their chance of finding vulnerable people.

    As a mom it is very hard to not have them HIDE but have them have their radar up all the time. It is hard to know how to explain that these people are not the majority at all – but these people are VERY good at what they do and prey on any vulnerability that they find.

    My radar works just fine. And I do trust it.
    Hopefully my kids’ radars all work very well too.

    I have heard some people say that it is the day and age that we now live in – but personally I think those ‘hawks’ have been there since time began – I think that now we are just more aware. And it is probably a percentages thing – many more people on the planet – so the ‘hawks’ are also an increased percentage.

  2. I was thinking about the ‘hawks’ and counselling (for myself) – I don’t think that I could ever go to a clergy person or volunteer person, or anyone that was not in a large professional practice.

    I think that with clergy or volunteers or any other loosely ‘defined’ set up – the odds are just too great of having a really good hawk ‘slide by’ and not get caught.

    I realize there are those in practice that are hawks – but it seems as if the odds are lower when it is person that is part of an established practice. the lines seem more defined. It seems that their inappropriate behavior would stand out more to me – because I would not give them any benefit of the doubt. That is probably why hawks slide by so easily in the clergy and in volunteer roles – we tend to give them benefit of the doubt – it isn’t clear what to expect.

    That is the hardest part to explain to my kids – those blurry lines.

    My radar is such that someone sitting on the couch next to me – instead of across the room in their own chair – would have me on my feet and in their face.

    But with kids – it is hard to show them the line – between being polite and getting into murky water. And as a mom THAT is what I worry about – because once they get INTO the murky water – then it becomes harder and harder to see what is going on.

    My middle child is someone with a very kind heart. I used to say to her all the time – we help the ones that are down and out – but we only help out in a crowd – not one on one. And we don’t get personally involved – we don’t date them – we certainly don’t marry them. I worry less and less about this as she grows – not more and more – like one would think. Because her ability to spot bullshit seems to be getting better and better.

    My mother NEVER had the ability to spot bullshit. And I am very aware of that.

  3. I love the idea of focusing on your dreams, I can’t imagine a better strategy. 🙂

  4. I think visiting a positive person (esp. in Hawaii) would be the best idea for you too. (Too bad it’s not tax deductible, sigh.)

  5. This is a great post…I love your conclusion. And I have a sneaky suspicion that when you focus on your heart and not your body size that you will be way happier.

    On another note — I am so sorry to hear you had bad therapy experiences (my first one, in my teens, was so horrible I almost never went back…but I’m glad I did). Maybe try one of the 12-step things? I always say I’m not a 12-step person, but I know lots of people have been helped by them and at least you would be in a group so abuse would be less likely. I dunno…I just don’t think any one solution is best for everyone…to each her own… 🙂

  6. P.S. Librarian question: Have you read the Twilight books? I’m zooming through the first one…thought I’d hate it because it’s a teen book, but I’m hooked!

  7. There are lots of helpful things out there in the world. Therapy is just one of them. If you’re consciously looking for answers, you will find them. Trust where they lead you. Hang in there!

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