I’m Not in a Very Good Place Now

Buddha on the rocksIt’s been hard for me to read most of the weight/diet/exercise blogs these last few weeks.  Although you are all writing about yourselves and your own lives, I read and feel judged and lacking – and realized today that it was because (duh) I was judging myself against your successes and ripping myself up inside for not measuring up.

I am morbidly obese.  I’ve gained and lost pounds so many times and am just so sad that I’ve gained back enough that I finally gave away four winter coats in smaller sizes – so that other people can stay warm and so there’s room in the closet for something that covers me.  My knees are bad and I drink too much diet soda.  I don’t exercise as much as I should.  I’m in reasonably good health, all things considered, but it could be better.  I don’t expect to live as long as the thin women my age, and frankly, that’s okay with me; but I want the kitty to be cared for, so that’s a motivator to take care of myself.

I’m not saying this because I want your pity, your sympathy, or most especially your advice.  I could write the book on how to lose weight because I’ve lost it so many times.  I just haven’t found the *click* inside that lets me keep it off.  I hold myself to ridiculously high standards of perfection that set me up to fail, then feed myself comfort food to feel better.  Yes, counseling is a good idea.  I know it, and you’ve told me a dozen times.  Please don’t tell me again; we’ll consider that advice already given.

My Christmas trip to visit family, which should bring joy, has me tied up in knots.  I know we’ll have the Weight Conversation, the Diet Conversation, the Health Conversation, and of course the Church Conversation – and, given the election results, probably the Political Conversation.  The morbidly obese non-churchgoing liberal Democrat is on her way, crying inside that the people who most understand me aren’t related to me and won’t be part of my celebration.

But it’s not just about me.  Christmas is about family and tradition and being there for them in their lives, even if being there stresses me out.  I can deal with it for a week and come home to my small world, my routine, my solitary-ness, my kitty.

I’m a good person, a good friend, an excellent librarian, a loving cat-mama.  I’m smart enough to work at Yale and if I’m old enough to belong to AARP, I’m old enough to make my own choices.  I just need to own them.

I don’t want to diet. I want to eat sensibly in moderation, to enjoy a variety of food, to ease the stress on my knees, to be comfortable in my body and with myself.  That may be mutually exclusive.  All I can do is try and take things one small step at a time.

7 thoughts on “I’m Not in a Very Good Place Now

  1. denise

    Wow – “I don’t want to diet. I want to eat sensibly in moderation, to enjoy a variety of food, to ease the stress on my knees, to be comfortable in my body and with myself. ” – it’s like you’re channeling my thoughts!

    I keep resisting going back to WW because no matter how much you call it a “lifestyle change” it’s really nothing but a stupid diet (ok, so it’s a smart diet, but a diet nonetheless). The idea of counting points or eating Core {shudder} – I just can’t do it right now.

    AND, the idea that once I start it and assuming it WORKS, I’ll have to do it FOREVER…I-just-can’t-deal-with-it!!!

    I too am waiting for the “click” that will make it all work, get me back to exercising, AND, as further proof that we were separated at birth, I too am dreading going home for the holidays – and feeling guilty for my feelings. Long ago, I put the stop to the direct comments on weight/diet, but I still get “the looks” and of course the indirect comments such as, “you should see your cousin, SHE’s looking really good since she lost weight”…which of course includes the unspoken, “unlike you…” SIGH…

    Hang in there, and if it’s any comfort at all, know that you’re not alone in this frustrating place you find yourself ….

  2. Eileen

    Double wow – I’m right there with you two! I can’t believe we’re the only three women in the world who are sick to death of WW, waiting for the “click” – yes, that click that made it work years ago – and wanting to eat sensibly in moderation, etc. Counseling? Been there, done that. Feeling bad about myself and my body? Oh, yeah. And even though my whole outlook has changed for the better since Election Day, I still wake up feeling fat every morning. Hopeful, yes – but still fat.

  3. Lori W.

    Anne, I do understand how you feel. I’m not doing squat with the gym and my eating has been pretty atrocious.

    I read people who are running, training, eating well and I wish I could be that person again. I used to be. I’m still waiting for my click. This morning, I was pretty full of self-loathing about my looks.

    So I truly DO agree with you and I’ve already had to tell my mother not to drive me nuts about Christmas via long-distance. You don’t have a very enviable holiday season with your family and I wish I could change that for you. They sound well meaning but annoying and hurtful. You’re not alone.

  4. Sue

    Dearest Anne,
    I’m sorry to hear the sadness and discouragement in your voice. I’ve been reading your entries over the last 4 or so years, and I’m accustomed to hearing you re-boosting yourself with hope for the next day. I didn’t hear it this time. You will get back there. The best thing that I can say is that you are continually growing…you are a growing and developing person. Even this emotional set back is a part of the moment when you once again stand up and face the battle. Maybe you just needed to go down this far inorder for you to take a break from the fight to regain strength and a new tactic. Please don’t forget that you’re still growing and developing, becoming wiser with each fall.

  5. Pingback: Christmas Then and Now | Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

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