Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

I’m Still Here


My UmbrellaYikes, I just realized how long it’s been since I posted anything.  Honestly, it’s not you, it’s me.  And the rain.  Every day is like every other day and has been for so many weeks that we thought we spotted a big wooden Ark with a bunch of animals on it.  Every day it’s been between 65-71 degrees, with either drizzly rain or downpours.  Everywhere you look there are spots of color where umbrellas bloom instead of flowers.  The one pictured is mine.  I love it, it’s cheerful and pink, but it’s heavy.  At least that keeps it from turning inside out in the wind.

It’s been a stressful spring and summer, dealing with budget cuts and staff layoffs.  I was afraid that I would start eating over it, since I tend to be a very emotional eater and Lord knows that stress sets me off most times.  But somehow I’ve been able to hold on to my WW foodplan.  It almost feels easy and intuitive and as of last Saturday, the total is 11.6 since rejoining this spring.  Food and eating are the only things I really can control now, and holding on to that makes it easier to deal with stress and out-of-control-ness in other places.

But progress is and will be slow.  My metabolism isn’t what it used to be pre-menopause and exercising is very difficult with bone-on-bone joint pain.  I’m starting to have problems with the “good knee” (which isn’t all that good anyway).  I’m way more worried about the knees than I am about my appearance.

Chubby LadiesWhich is leading me back to considering weight loss surgery, the lapband method.  I have two friends in different parts of the country who have WLS scheduled within the next few weeks.  I know others who have been successful, and others who have relapsed and regained much of their weight.  I know that some of you think that WLS is cheating and taking the easy route.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, their own path.  This may not be one that I will ultimately take, but at my request, my doctor was putting in a referral to a bariatric surgeon at the university hospital to start the process of asking the questions and see if this is a decision I really want to make.

On the plus side, the weight would come off fairly quickly, at least an initial chunk of it.  I don’t have a weight goal, I’m not looking to be skinny – I will never be skinny.  But I do want to walk with less pain and know that knee replacement surgery is in my future.  I can do that more safely and with better results over a longer time period if I am not carrying so much weight.

So, that’s what’s going on in my life.  Work, watching my weight, getting ready for my parents to come up from Texas on Saturday for an 8 day visit.

10 thoughts on “I’m Still Here

  1. Your umbrella is beautiful. I’m glad to hear you’ve just been busy — I know the feeling, I’m there too.

    I don’t get the people who think that surgery is the easy way out. To me it’s the scary way out. But if you’re in pain every day, not able to do the things you want to do, I can see why it would become an option. I am confident that you will make a thoughtful, well-informed decision.

    Congratuations on the 11+ pound weight loss. That’s fantastic. And especially when things are stressful and busy, I admire your ability to stick to your plan.

  2. I would never consider WLS easy, far from it. I think the people who gain all the weight back went into the procedure with that kind of thinking.
    the surgery does NOT replace the need for good nutritious eating and daily exercise. I see it as an adjunct to those 2 things.
    There are no miracle cures, only hard work, lots of study, and try try again.

  3. Congrats on the loss and (more importantly) on feeling good about how it’s working. 🙂

    I’m not a big fan of the WLS only because I’ve never known anyone who was ultimately happy (or even really maintained a healthy weight) after it. If you decide to do it, I am SO behind you…make you the first one I know that makes it work!!! 🙂

    I know about the joint pain…and even with the weight I’ve lost the past few weeks I notice mine is better…wish I could remember this when I want to eat “bad” stuff! 😉

  4. I wouldn’t consider WLS an easy out either. I’m really proud of you sticking to the WW plan and eating intuitively even though work sounds painful. (And I’m sorry to hear that about your knee too.)

    There’s nothing wrong in getting information. You might find it is something that you want to do or you might find that it is NOT something you want to do. I think Annimal posted something on her blog a while back about visiting different weight loss centers and her impression. Everyone’s mileage does vary.

    Glad to see you!

  5. Dont give up on yourself. You know, today I was just about to give up my Weight Watchers. I was driving and thinking, “should I go back to Jenny Craig after 10 years, or do this on my own, or what”. I have run out of ideas. By that time, I had arrived at my meeting. I was thinking of all the food that I would buy as soon as I got out of there, so that I could bring it home for my “last feast” (ha ha) last feast? I’ve told myself that one before. Anyway, I had a 2.8 pound gain this week, no surprise, but I datayed for the meeting. By the time I left, I felt so much better. I had the time to cool down and get a better perspective on all of this. I realize that I’ve been in a hurry to loose the weight and what ever I loose is never good enough, and the way I look is never good enough and the good eating that I do is never good enough. I don’t think these things in words, but the attitude has become that way. So much so that I can see now that I’ve given up on my water, my veggies, my tracking, my scale. All with the inner feeling that this whole thing is stupid and useless. I’ve been trashing myself along with the diet. I don’t know how I got here but I did. It took time. I’m glad that I had time to myself today to allow this to come to a huge head. I have so much reflection to do today and this evening. So Anne, don’t give up. Just don’t.

  6. Anne, I have had a weight problem all my life. I’ve had no shortage of will power all that time, having lost large amounts of weight a number of times, only to regain it (and more) each time. I finally decided to enter a program to prepare me for the likelihood of bariatric surgery. I knew that simply because I enrolled in the program I didn’t have to have the surgery, and that six-month period would give me the tools to focus seriously on what was best for me. I’ve just completed the program, and should have a surgery date — for gastric bypass surgery — shortly.

    As another commenter mentioned, anyone who sees bariatric surgery as “the easy way” has no idea what they’re talking about. Radically changing the way you eat, and what you eat, for a lifetime, is far, far from “easy.”

    I considered myself a fairly educated consumer before I began my program, but have learned a good deal more during the past six months. The book that my hospital-sponsored bariatric center gives to each of its program participants is Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies ( http://tinyurl.com/nnhnt3 ). In spite of its silly title, it’s a very good resource that I’ve referred to again and again.

    Naturally, I’m somewhat anxious about the surgery and, perhaps more so, about what my life will be like AFTER the surgery, but I have a a lifetime’s worth of evidence that corroborates the importance of taking this next step. and I feel prepared. I’m in my 50s, and do not want to move into my 60s with the plethora of health issues that obesity is known to create or exacerbate. (As a side note, some programs will not accept people over 60 as candidates for bariatric surgery, something that I did not before I enrolled in my program.)

    Best wishes to you, whatever your decision. I enjoy your blog and read it regularly.

  7. Thank you all for your understanding and support. C, thanks for the book recommendation. I just ordered it from Amazon. I like to research things and have done a fair amount of research on WLS, but this sounds like a good resource that I should have on hand. Even if I ultimately don’t decide to go that path, I will better understand and know how to support those who do.

    In the meantime, life goes on with WW and a slow but steady loss. I don’t really care much for food right now, partly as a side effect of a new medication, but it feels really weird in a good way to not want to eat all the time – it would be so nice to just eat when I need to and not because it’s there.

  8. I’m over 8 years out from gastric bypass. I lost half my weight and have kept it off since I reached goal. It is a miraculous tool and it saved my life. I am healthier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I don’t know if I’m allowed to leave a link here so I’ll leave it in another comment just in case. It’s a you tube video I did about the stigma against weight loss surgery and it talks about all that “easy way out stuff”. It all comes down to the fact that we are the ones that have to live in our bodies….no one else….so let them complain if they wish. I’m going to live my best life!
    Blessings, Yvonne McCarthy
    aka Bariatric Girl

  9. Here’s the you tube video.

    And if you’d like to see one on my weight loss story, it’s here:

  10. oops the stigma one didn’t show up.

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