Favorites Meme

This one is making the rounds of my Facebook friends. Adding here because it was kind of fun to do:

* Age backwards: 66
* Favorite Pie: Key Lime
* Italian or Chinese: Thai 
* Pepsi or Coke: Diet Pepsi
* Chocolate or Vanilla ice cream: Vanilla Bean (of those 2)
* How many tattoos: 1 (flying pig)
* Ever hit a deer: no
* Netflix or Hulu: Hulu
* Last text from: Fedex
* Broken bones: Yes
* Surgeries: more than I want to count
* Favorite color: Red

* Favorite scent: Lemon
* Sunrise or Sunset: Sunrise
* Beach or Mountains: Both
* Dogs or cats: Cats
* Early morning person: no, even though I’m up at 5am.
* Summer or Winter: Winter
* Beer or Wine: Wine
* Mild or hot salsa: Mild
* Smooth or crunchy peanut butter: Smooth
* Waffle or pancakes: Belgian waffle (I’m picky)

Taking Stock a Year Later

Today is my birthday. Last July I celebrated my 65th birthday with friends including three others who also turned 65 in the month of July. But when I saw the picture, I wanted to throw up.

July 2019 Birthday celebration

Yes, it was a bad hair day. But more, I looked and felt like the Michelin Man, puffy and round and definitely not needing cake. I hate having my picture taken, like many people, but have learned that unless I agree to it, I’m missing from the memories of friends and family. This one, though, made me cry. It still does, a year later.

I’d like to say that seeing it last summer convinced me to do something about the obvious weight problem, but it didn’t. I was in major denial about my ability to lose and keep anything off, based on a lifetime of huge success (102 lbs, 114 lbs, 145 lbs) followed by spectacular failure and regaining. The yo-yo dieting was ultimately worse than just being hugely fat, or that’s what I thought.

Last July I also went through a battery of cardiology tests and visits with medical people who made sure I knew that being morbidly obese was a Bad Thing. Gee, I wonder why no one ever told me that before? Oh wait, they did. I just blocked it out.

It wasn’t until New Year’s that I decided to do something about it, but in a quiet way and not telling anyone in case I failed again. Nothing like starting with an optimistic mind set. But that’s when I decided to try Noom, and I found it remarkably easy to follow a plan and watch the weight fall off. Funny, I remembered that following a plan wasn’t ever really a problem if it was a good plan and I didn’t feel deprived. Noom was spectacularly successful.

Me – July 2020

But lately it hasn’t been. I did fine through the Covid Quarantine period and actually reached 55 lbs gone which made me super happy. But I’ve regained a few pounds and seem to just going up and down 2-3 lbs. That’s not terrible or surprising when I look at my food logs and see how differently I’m eating from January. I think I’m bored with what I’m eating, and I’m fatigued with Covid time and dealing with mask-no mask debates. I don’t like being hot and I live in Texas where it’s hot and muggy most of the time in July.

So I’ve asked my goal specialist to reset me to Noom Week 1, which I found the most motivating and supportive time. I made a commitment to read the articles, which I admit to have slacked off on – and I need to, because they really help if you read and DO the exercises.

Why do I want to continue losing weight? In no particular order:

• I feel better when I weigh less
• Be comfortable in my body
• Ease the stress on my knees and back
• Be able to walk for 2 miles without stopping to rest
• Buy pretty clothes in one size that I can wear year after year
• Go to the pool without being embarassed
• Be less self conscious about my body
• Increase flexibility and stamina
• Travel more comfortably, without needing a seatbelt extension

Clothing sizes are a mystery

No two clothing companies use the same size chart, which is seriously annoying. Company A considers one set of measurements to be a size 16, Company B considers that a 1X, and Company C thinks it’s 18/20. Or yanno, a lot higher than that. Makes it very confusing to shop, especially if you’re doing what I’m doing right now and shopping on Ebay where you can’t try on things before you buy them.

When I started on Noom back in January, I was wearing a 4X or 30/32 or sometimes 34 because I liked things to be loose and kind of baggy. Those clothes are long since packed up and taken to Hangers for Hope, a local thrift store in town. Yesterday I bought in an actual store a top that’s a 2X and two that are 1X, all of which fit.

My 3X shorts and skort fell off until I put darts in them to hold them up (or switched to 2X). But the 3XP skirt from Talbots which is made on a completely different scale of measurements is just now fitting me properly and I adore it. I want to wear it forever except I don’t want to be this size forever.

One closet now has Things I Can Actually Wear Now in a variety of sizes because they came from different places. The other closet has Things I Will Hopefully Wear Soon, also in a variety of sizes from a whole bunch of different places. Some of them I can actually wear if I have to, though they will look better in a little while.

But it boggles my mind to look at this really cute 14/16 top I bought on a major sale and realize that I can put it on my body now and not look like a sausage. I can’t remember the last time I wore that size, and was surprised when it arrived in the mail yesterday to realize that I can put it on now. I’m still fat, it’s not supposed to happen this fast.

As of yesterday, I’ve lost 55 lbs in the last 28 weeks, which averages out exactly at 2 lbs/week. Of course, I spent 2 months in there going up and down the same 3 lbs so it’s not that the loss has been steady. But I didn’t stop working the program and my body responded.

I just don’t know what size I really am. Does it matter? Probably not except to me. I want to have pretty clothes that make me feel pretty and I don’t know where to find them now. I’ve basically downsized myself out of the physical and online stores where I’ve shopped for the past 7 years. And as more move to online only shopping, I’m scrambling to figure out where I can go.

Hence shopping on Ebay and also Poshmark, which to my surprise is turning into a decent place to find clothes in excellent condition even if I’m not looking at the Louboutin shoes that the TV commercials feature. I think the mail carrier must hate me because I get so much stuff, some for now some for soon. I even ordered myself some of those round plastic disks that I can write on to divide up the clothes by size so I can figure out what’s already there. It’s not that it’s excessive, it’s just so confusing.

Don’t get me started on being a short person trying to find clothes that fit properly in a world that thinks petite sizing means chopping off some inches from the bottom. Uh, no.

Tensions are high in America

Tensions are high in America on this July 4th. The country is polarized politically, economically, racially, socially, and every -ly in the book, and social media and 24/7 news cycles on cable news just escalate words into sound bites that warp and explode as they move through society.

I live in East Texas, a very conservative Republican place that believes in God, guns, white nationalism, President Trump, and that Coronavirus is a hoax blown out of proportion by liberal Democrats and lying media. Although our governor has issued an executive order to wear masks, my neighbors are vowing not do so.

And so I’m hiding at home. I feel like a fish out of water here in this cherry pie red place, or rather, a tiny blueberry in the middle of the endless sea of red. I feel impotent to speak here, to defend myself and beliefs that differ from that of the majority. No one would listen anyway once they know I’m a Democrat. Wait, they would listen and then attack me and talk about me and my stupidity while they polish their guns, eat BBQ, and plan for Trump’s re-election.

I’m afraid for my country. I’m afraid of my neighbors. I’m afraid of getting the virus and giving it to someone else – not of my own risk, which is actually higher because of my age, weight, and recent sinus surgery. I’m afraid the country will tear itself apart. We survived a Civil War but it didn’t solve anything. What will happen this time?

My ancestors fought for the Confederacy – and for the Union. I’ve lived in Virginia, with Confederate statues everywhere. I never really understood why we had statues to people who LOST the war. Germany doesn’t have monuments to Nazis; why should we have them for those who rebelled and lost? Why name schools and military bases and streets for them? I can be proud of my family and my history and NOT proud of what they fought for. I don’t understand why so many are holding on so hard.

But I sit silent because I’m a weenie. I know what I believe but I’m afraid of being overwhelmed and rejected. So I watch “Hamilton” on my own, keeping silent, keeping watch.

I am afraid of what’s coming.