I keep almost falling

I almost fell twice yesterday, once walking down my driveway and once in the bathroom. On Wednesday I almost fell in the parking lot at the eye doctor, tripping over some weird metal thing sticking out of the concrete. That one was a close call and I only avoided actually falling because the lot was tightly packed and I fell into a close-by SUV.

I don’t like it. I don’t like that I can’t trust my body to keep me up. I don’t like having to walk looking down at my feet ALL THE TIME in hopes I don’t stumble over something the size of a twig. I don’t like that this knee that was so strong and trustworthy is now so unstable.

The kneecap is wobbling around because I tore the MCL and some other stuff on the inside of the knee. The solution is to wear a brace to help keep that stable but the custom-made one maybe out of my price range ($900 and up) and not paid for by Medicare, so I’m looking at other options made for fluffy people like me. But it’s clear I can’t pretend I don’t need it. It doesn’t hurt as much as it did earlier but pain isn’t the problem, instability is.

I don’t like it. And I don’t like the idea of using a cane when I’m feeling stronger and more healthy except for this stupid knee. I want to go take walks but am afraid of falling just going to the mailbox, so how can I trust myself on a walk? So a cane or walking stick is going to be needed even if I don’t like it. And I don’t.