I’m having a week full of days where I Eat All the Things, as my friend Lisa calls it. Days where little crackers and ice cream and donuts and raisin bread just find their way into my mouth without a plan. Although no food is forbidden on my eating plan, it’s been painful to watch how easily I succumb to old patterns and habits for no particular reason. As a result, every day for the last four days I’ve watched the scale nudge up. Oh, not that much, but losing even half a pound takes so much effort and care that it distresses me to see it go up. I’m walking a thin wire of controlled but satisfied, and out of control and overwhelmed. And guilty for not doing this perfectly.
Part of all of this is being on a new medicine, Otezla, for my psoriasis. One of the side effects (and there are many) is nausea, and to counter it, I’ve been nibbling carbs. Okay, not necessarily nibbling. But not bingeing and gorging the Old Way, either. And I’ll give myself enough credit to know that I needed to log whatever I ate even if it upset me to write it down. I have to be accountable to myself because to NOT do that, it’s a slippery slope to gaining it back so fast it makes my head spin. Been there, done that more times than I want to admit.
I’m disappointed in myself that I didn’t control the impulses to Eat All the Things. And that’s what it was. I stopped pre-planning my daily food and just went crazy. So today I’m back to drinking water at 5:30 a.m. and planning out almost everything for the day before I took my first bite. There was a little – but not much – wiggle room but there is great comfort for me in having the structure of knowing what I will do today. I planned a slider basket lunch from the club because I enjoy them and there’s lots of protein, which keeps me full and less likely to eat something I don’t need. And dinner will be simple but again, lots of protein and fiber with my rotisserie chicken from Sam’s and fresh steamed broccoli and carrots. Tomorrow will be something different, but that is today.
I think I’m going to need to do this tracking and planning for the rest of my life. It’s not that much of a burden, but NOT doing it leaves me without the control I need to just move on from those tempting carbs, and they’re always carbs. To make it easier, I dumped out everything that had been a temptation and got rid of it in yesterday’s garbage day. Only to have donuts in the office, which are deadly. I can do better. I’ve done better for months. But I’m not perfect and I have a lifetime of unrestrained eating. I’m the only one who can restrain me and it’s time to get back to work doing it.