I Secret Santa’d Myself

I had no idea I needed a cordless vacuum until my housecleaner used one on a visit before Thanksgiving. My 13-year-old Dyson works great but is heavy, cumbersome, and, well, has a cord that I have to move multiple times as I clean. I need cleaning to be easier to do or I put it off, and with the cats shedding fur everywhere, I really need to whip around and sweep the floors more often than I’d been doing.

So I Secret Santa’d myself and bought a Tineco A10 Hero+ after doing some research with Consumer Reports (I’m a librarian, I can’t help myself; research is in my blood). Tineco is the highest rated brand and the same one that my housecleaner used and raved about. And it was on sale at Amazon! It arrived in 2 days and I absolutely love it. Easy to carry, much quieter than the Dyson so the cats aren’t terrified, and it does a great job collecting cat fur.

Actually, I Secret Santa myself quite a lot. I don’t really NEED stuff as much as I want it. So anything that would be an impulse purchase gets saved to a Pinterest board so I can find it again if I’m interested – clothes, earrings, stuff for the house, ideas for other people. At least half of those items are mysteries later – why did I think THAT was something I wanted? – while others I buy and still others just sit there awhile longer. During these Covid times, I really appreciate online shopping, even with paying for shipping costs, because I do less in-store impulse buying. Just because something is cute and I like it doesn’t mean I need it or want to spend money on it. Have a central place to pin ideas helps me keep track of what interests me.

The cordless vacuum, though, was worth it. Now I think there’s a pair of earrings calling my name.

Feeling the Covid fatigue

Cape Breton Island, Nova Scotia

When I’m stressed, I either eat or shop. I’ve been trying not to eat, although I’ve had a couple of iffy days lately, but I’m going great guns on the shopping. Ask me about velvet pumpkins, my new computer, and leggings. I went a little nuts on leggings.

No, I haven’t lost any more weight and in fact, have gained back a few pounds. But since I know I didn’t eat as many calories as would make those pounds actually stay attached to my body, I’m not particularly worried. But it must be stopped and I’m doing it.

Physical activity has come to almost a crashing halt. I can walk just fine in a store holding on to a cart, and try to do that several times a week, although that does open me up to the “Oh, we must buy something in this store” mentality. But the bad knee is very sore when I try to do other things, and now I think I pulled a groin muscle doing something or other. Clearly I need lessons in how to stretch better so I don’t do this crazy stuff to myself. It is completely logical that this lack of movement is the reason for my basically stagnant weight situation. I’ve heard nothing from the guy who measured me for the super expensive custom knee brace; I think it’s time to order a cheaper one from online to see if it could help.

There is good news, though. My A1C has dropped from 6.1 to 5.3! Still higher than I’d like, but way better (and finally under pre-diabetic) for the first time in years. I thought I’d get updated cholesterol and triglyceride levels with the last blood work but surprise! they didn’t do those. I don’t know why. My arm was there and filling up blood vials nicely. They could have taken more!

But then there is bad news. The back is still a problem. The left side neurotomy was quite effective and only twinges pain a little now and then. But the right side, the bad side, is only about 40% better. Maybe 50%. When I get in the car, I can get about 1/3 of the way to town before it starts to hurt instead of 1/2 mile. And I can do things without wanting to cry. But I’m not getting in a car anytime soon to go on a trip or just get “windshield time,” as my brother calls it, because it hurts.

So instead of doing much, I’m sitting in my chair after work with ice rotating on various body parts, doing gentle stretching, and working on puzzles with the cats. I’ve noticed that my temper flash point is very low and my patience for criticism and correction is almost non-existent.

I’m tired of sore body parts. I’m tired of coronavirus and people who don’t wear masks. I’m tired of being stressed. I want my scalp psoriasis to calm down. And I want Purina to NOT discontinue Emma’s favorite food. And I would really, really like for the election to be over.

Did I mention I put a Biden sign in my yard?

How Do I Know What Fits Me?

I shop for clothes by myself and I have no idea what I really look like in what I wear.  It’s not a good combination.  I’ve read that it takes a year for the brain to catch up with every 25 lbs lost, and that certainly resonates.  Oh, I understand that I’ve changed and that I’m different, but the eyes  don’t recognize what properly fitting clothes look like on ME.

After watching Stacy and Clinton for years, I know a lot about what styles and colors work best, but the FIT doesn’t make sense.  My brain knows that tight = too small, and loose = fitted, which doesn’t always translate to looking right.  I’ll try on a top and see nothing clinging to the lumps and bumps, and think it’s a good fit when it’s really baggy.

Since many plus size ladies also shop alone, we give each other feedback and can see “too big” clothes on other people that we don’t recognize on ourselves.  And sometimes, sure, they are wearing “too small” clothes because they are blocked by the sizes/number and not by how things fit.

But yesterday was totally different.  I went looking for some casual pants for fall, mostly just to see what was out there.  Catherine’s is no longer an option for me, since everything in the store is too big, too long, too boxy, or just not my style.  Or maybe all of the above.  So I went next door to Lane Bryant, a store I usually avoid because I don’t like the clothes.  They do have lots of pants, though, so it seemed like a good idea.

Over the course of the next 45 min, three sales women of different ages and 2 customers gave me feedback on how I looked in what I tried on.  I mostly stayed in the dressing room while they brought me pants in different styles, colors, and sizes.  My job was to put them on and come out and model.   Mostly I tried on jeans or pants out of a denim or denim-colored fabric.  I haven’t worn jeans for at least 20 years.

One pair felt as though it was painted on, which caused my watchers’ jaws to drop.  They thought, to a person, that the pants were too loose, which totally shocked me.  It happened over and over.  They made me stand in front of a mirror and said, “Look at yourself. See yourself as you are NOW.  You are not the same size you were before.  These clothes FIT.”  And they were right.  Stacy and Clinton were mentioned frequently 🙂

I ended up coming home with 3 pairs of pants, in 3 different sizes, all on sale with coupons for extra savings.  One is a pair of gray knit pants that will work for the office and for casual wear, size 14/16.  Another is a pair of jeans in size 16, and a third a pair of “jeggings” in size 18.  I’m not completely sure about the jeans, but know that as I lose more weight, I will feel more comfortable wearing them.  Plus I will practice at home before I let anyone see me.

What this reinforced is that I need to go shopping often now – not to buy, but to try on sizes, colors and styles and really see what I look like when I try the same thing on in different sizes.   The sales floor is often quiet mid-week, and taking an afternoon off to shop should let me have extra help and feedback.

I’ll be choosy about what I actually buy; I don’t want/need a lot since I know my size will change, though it’s going slower now than it was earlier (which doesn’t bother me at all).  But as the new season approaches, I know I have next to nothing that fits and I refuse to start the fall in baggy clothes.  The trick is knowing what’s baggy and what’s not.

Cooking Again! Okay, Just a Little Bit

I made mini crustless quiches yesterday, a recipe from my WLS blog friend Eggface.  She has about 50 variations of these little bites, as she calls them, but Sunday I made the Breakfast Bites. Each one has 45 calories and 3g of protein, and 3-4 make a serving, depending on what you’re having with them.  They’re full of eggs, swiss cheese, chopped ham, onions and ‘shrooms, baked in a mini muffin tin. It’s nice to have variety for meals and I’ve been getting sick of 2 oz of cottage cheese or yogurt for breakfast.

She also has dozens and dozens of recipes for all kinds of foods that are WLS-safe but equally appealing to non-ops.  (The bites, for example, would be wonderful appetizers for a party.)  Next on my list to try is protein ice cream.    Or maybe the pizza bites. We’ll see.

I also made pudding yogurt, this time with a protein boost. I mixed a tub of plain non-fat yogurt with a box of instant sugar free vanilla pudding, one scoop of vanilla protein, and 4 TB of SF Torani gingerbread syrup.  I’ve made this stuff for years with just yogurt and pudding, but adding the protein powder kicks up the nutrition value without changing the taste.  The Torani syrup takes care of that, in a good way.  I went a little crazy ordering SF Torani flavors that I couldn’t find locally and am eager to try out.

I went out and about late morning to shop for a few things before the cold rain started – toys for the Toys for Tots drive at work, warm gloves & scarf for the Cold Weather Clothing drive, also at work, and some whey protein to give my nephew for Christmas.  It’s not the biggest size tub but I’m pretty sure he’ll appreciate it and at least it does fill up the “under the tree” space.

Most of my shopping is done, though I plan to pick up some things at the Union Square Christmas Fair in New York City this week on a day off.  Holding my breath that the weather behaves coz I don’t really want to mill around NYC in snow, rain or sleet.  Yes, I’m a wieather wimp.

Shopping and Other Heavy Thoughts

I’m having a hard time right now living in my body.  My knee hurts a lot and I actually bought a folding cane this week to have in case I need it.  I’ve been aware of my size and feeling uncomfortable physically but also in my head as I see myself in a mirror or think about the fact that finding clothes that fit and actually look pretty is usually an exercise in futility.

Today’s outting to do that ended in a little mini-meltdown at the Avenue over a display of sweaters that were too long, too ugly, and not in my size.  I’m not desperate enough to buy just something to cover me – but I do need some new things because the clothes from last fall are snug around the hips.

The right solution is to magically adhere to a food plan, watch the weight drop off, and skip happily into the future as a thin person. But that’s not happening.  Right now I’m hanging on by my teeth to staying in one place on the scale.  The idea of working the WW plan just seems to have a reverse response in that I start sabotaging myself as soon as I try.  So I’m not.

There’s a difference between being fat and accepting that you will always be fat even though there are health and other issues associated with it, and being fat and trying to change it.  I’m somewhere in the middle between them right now, I think.  I’m really really tired of defining myself as my body size.  And I also want to be able to accept myself in this body size without turning that into a decision to stay at this supersize forever.

Many of you have suggested/recommended/advised that I get some therapy help.  And I do understand where that comes from.  I am making the choice not to.  Twice before when I asked for help from someone in a therapy role, I was abused, once physically and once emotionally.  I’m not going there again.  Instead I’m going to listen to my friend Amy in Hawaii, who is the most positive person I know.  She’s focused on living her dreams, not dwelling on the things that get in the way.

I don’t even know what my dreams are anymore; I’ve been too focused on my body and not my heart.  It’s time to pay attention and ask myself some questions.

UPDATE — Head over to Beula’s Dear Ethel site and read Friday’s post on Self Respect. Great list!