Sometimes I wonder why my body is causing me so much trouble. The quick answer that a doctor will tell me is that it’s because I’m morbidly obese. To medical people, everything that goes wrong with a fat person’s body is because of the fat.
Most of the time, though, I think about what and not why. I can only face one thing at a time and try to be pragmatic with a good sense of humor. Being angry or weepy doesn’t fix anything even if it does release some pent up stress. I research new problems thoroughly on Dr. Google, focusing on the Mayo Clinic website but also reading articles in PubMed or other scholarly resources as long as I don’t have to look up every other word. I walk through the tests and problems knowing that God is with me, and that sometimes the answer to “Help” is just that: to be with me, not to fix things. I accept that “No” is an answer.
I also realized soon after everything crashed for me in 2021 that God may not be trying to teach ME a lesson through these difficult things, but to use me to reach others. I try to be straightforward and honest about what is happening with my body here on the blog, and I also know that people watch me rolling around in the chair. They see me have to take the long way around to go from points A to B because the easy way is too narrow, or know I just can’t go certain places because the space configuration doesn’t work or the bus chair lift is broken.
But they also see and read that I’m still doing things and don’t hibernate here in the apartment just because my legs don’t work right. I’m out eating in the dining room with friends, or wheeling into the library to work on our collaborative puzzles. I watch movies, do exercise classes, chair the Dining Committee, and am now about to take on the community newsletter. I bake cookies and dye my hair pink. Being differently abled doesn’t mean I sit around like a vegetable.
There a lot of things going on lately, though. My leg is still swollen and tight, with a puffy foot and hugely swollen right thigh. The ankle is bad and I have two blood clots. My shoulders and upper body hurt most of the time, and the wrists are also sore. I had a hospitalization and a retina tear. Oh, and Covid. Have I mentioned that I can no longer feel my right heel? And I’m also still morbidly obese.
Let’s be clear: I want to know what’s going on with my body, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to do anything to fix the problems. That depends on what and where they are. I don’t have a death wish, but I am not afraid of death or what comes after. I don’t know that any of my current problems put me on that path, but they are a wake up call to be sure that my affairs are all in order and organized so that my family can find what they need. No one organizes quite like a cataloger, so that one’s a sure thing.