Why so many things?

Sometimes I wonder why my body is causing me so much trouble. The quick answer that a doctor will tell me is that it’s because I’m morbidly obese. To medical people, everything that goes wrong with a fat person’s body is because of the fat.

Most of the time, though, I think about what and not why. I can only face one thing at a time and try to be pragmatic with a good sense of humor. Being angry or weepy doesn’t fix anything even if it does release some pent up stress. I research new problems thoroughly on Dr. Google, focusing on the Mayo Clinic website but also reading articles in PubMed or other scholarly resources as long as I don’t have to look up every other word. I walk through the tests and problems knowing that God is with me, and that sometimes the answer to “Help” is just that: to be with me, not to fix things. I accept that “No” is an answer.

I also realized soon after everything crashed for me in 2021 that God may not be trying to teach ME a lesson through these difficult things, but to use me to reach others. I try to be straightforward and honest about what is happening with my body here on the blog, and I also know that people watch me rolling around in the chair. They see me have to take the long way around to go from points A to B because the easy way is too narrow, or know I just can’t go certain places because the space configuration doesn’t work or the bus chair lift is broken.

But they also see and read that I’m still doing things and don’t hibernate here in the apartment just because my legs don’t work right. I’m out eating in the dining room with friends, or wheeling into the library to work on our collaborative puzzles. I watch movies, do exercise classes, chair the Dining Committee, and am now about to take on the community newsletter. I bake cookies and dye my hair pink. Being differently abled doesn’t mean I sit around like a vegetable.

There a lot of things going on lately, though. My leg is still swollen and tight, with a puffy foot and hugely swollen right thigh. The ankle is bad and I have two blood clots. My shoulders and upper body hurt most of the time, and the wrists are also sore. I had a hospitalization and a retina tear. Oh, and Covid. Have I mentioned that I can no longer feel my right heel? And I’m also still morbidly obese.

Let’s be clear: I want to know what’s going on with my body, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to do anything to fix the problems. That depends on what and where they are. I don’t have a death wish, but I am not afraid of death or what comes after. I don’t know that any of my current problems put me on that path, but they are a wake up call to be sure that my affairs are all in order and organized so that my family can find what they need. No one organizes quite like a cataloger, so that one’s a sure thing.

No Gain Campaign Result

Six weeks ago I went to the gym and weighed in for their No Gain Campaign. The goal was to motivate us to not gain weight over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays when usually foods (and sweets) abound. I did a lot of crazy stuff (remember the 14 dozen cookies?) but in spite of ups and downs, I thought I’d held my own. This week was the final weigh-in. On Monday I stopped at the gym with my physical therapy referral and hopped on the scale to see if I needed to give it a few more days before it was official. Much to my surprise, considering that it was after lunch and I was wearing shoes, I’m down 3 lbs since my weight on November 18th. They’ll notify winners next week but I’m already a winner, whether I get a reward or not.

UPDATE: I won an Amazon gift card! My favorite present 🙂

When the Pounds are Just Visiting

My Boston Weight Watcher leader Arlene Lewis was inspirational and motivating, and I loved her. She sent out weekly emails with motivational tips and recipes to a huge mailing list. In that time before Facebook groups and omnipresent cell phones, it was an important way to stay connected and on track on the week between meetings.

One thing she said often was that if you gain some pounds but get right back on track, those pounds are just visiting and will leave soon. If you pretend the gain didn’t happen, those pounds settle in and stick around.

This morning I stepped on the scale to see a 4 lb. drop from yesterday. While it was hard when those pounds jumped on this week, I buckled down and made good choices for the last two days, even though my ability to exercise was limited by back and knee pain. Today I found that those pounds were indeed just visiting. I admit it was a relief to see them gone.

I miss Arlene and this week discovered that she passed away in 2018. How did I not know that? The best way I know to honor her memory is to remember her and the things she passed on. Now is the time to put them into action. Her many WW recipes are easily adaptable to Noom and I have bunches of them here on this blog.

If you’re interested, check out some of my early posts with Advice and Recipes from Arlene.

Trying to get a grip

Emma and Ellie on the porch

I threw out food yesterday. The important part was the almost-full box of individual bags of Skinny Pop Popcorn recently purchased at Sam’s. I could have found someone to give them to, but it seemed important and symbolic to put them in the trash.

There was nothing wrong with the popcorn. I knew how to count it and enjoyed a little bit of “normal”. Except I forgot that my normal snacking was abnormal, and the popcorn led to other things like cookies or eating an English muffin for dinner because I loved the jam. Which is now completely eaten up – it was wonderful! – but I’m not buying more of it.

I looked back at my Noom food logs to see what I ate back in the beginning when I was starting and extra careful and motivated. Popcorn wasn’t anywhere in there, and I didn’t miss it. I ate lots of green grapes (which I don’t even like but they were satisfying) and individual boxes of roasted red pepper soup for snacks, and learned that if I plan and balance my meals, I didn’t really eat snacks – and didn’t miss them.

It’s also time to cook. Back in January I cooked and stocked up the freezer, partly in anticipation of pandemic shortages but also to make sure I had plenty of easy to grab food that fit Noom. I’ve actually eaten most of the prepared things and need to restock with chili, stew, meat sauce, chicken teriyaki, and soup. I can make another batch of gazpacho to eat or drink as a snack or before a meal to add veggies

So today I’m making chili in the crockpot and inventorying the freezer and pantry before making a shopping list. I need to see what I have and work out a plan for cooking as well as organizing the freezer so I can find what goes in there instead of just shoving them in the front.

Also today I’m off to the appliance store to buy a new microwave since mine conked out yesterday. It’s probably at least 12 years old so I shouldn’t be surprised, but since I use it all the time, this requires rethinking what I eat until the new one can be installed. Probably salad – sigh, I’m sick of salad – but you eat that cold.

But first, thank you all for the hugs and comments and kind words to my hard day post. They helped more than you know.

Making a Thought Collage

Thought collage

I’ve been in a stuck place for quite a while now where my weight and body are concerned.  I know what to do, and I wanted to want to do it, but I just didn’t.  I finally got tired of it and decided to get my act together and take a step.  The one I chose was to go back to Weight Watchers, which I did last weekend.  I’m not particularly concerned about time frame or goals; I just want to refocus and take one step at a time to get healthier.

One part of that was sitting down and creating a new thought collage.  I used to make these every 6-12 months, or to mark a particular point in my journey.  Some were happy, others full of rage and pain.  Although I’d cut out things a year or more ago, I never got around to finishing the collage, which is the final part of owning the thoughts and feelings.

I collected some magazines and cut stuff out yesterday, adding in some that I found in the envelope of previously snipped pieces.  Most I couldn’t use because I’m simply not in the same place anymore.  This is a much healthier place  to be.

Since I’m busy posting motivational things today, go take a look at the lessons from the road in Do You Suffer from Diet Rage? over at Sparkpeople.com.