If you know me at all, you know I’m someone who values organization, structure, and order. My brain is wired for this and it’s where I’m comfortable. Being a librarian, especially a technical services librarian, was a perfect fit. Chaos offends and sometimes scares me because I don’t know what to expect, so I can’t be prepared.
Well, I haven’t been prepared for much these last months. I do like the structure of knowing when I have therapy, and knowing when meals are. But I can’t plan next steps for therapy. It happens when it happens, whether I’m ready or not. The therapists know and have a plan, but my body will do what it will do or not do and they adjust accordingly.
Friday I go home, and I’ve been planning out what needs to happen, moved, opened, sorted, tossed, etc., as though that will help me be in control of it – but I’m not. This is another thing that has to just happen with some guidelines and milestones on the way. The MDS coordinator told me today that I’ve planned this all out more than some of them in the business can do, but that I need to be careful not to go overboard and talk myself into panic if I leave something out.
It’s going to work. I can go home and it will all be fine. If there are things left unplanned, we’ll work them out as we go. I use the royal “we” here because it’s mostly me, but I promise to ask for advice and help instead of getting just stuck in a panicked place. My brother is helping figure out the details of legal stuff needed to get my car sold. Me, the reader of fine print, didn’t catch a bunch of important things, but he did.
I’ve learned to live in the moment even if I was stressed at not knowing what was going on. Hmmm, maybe I didn’t learn it all that well but I lived it. I can do it again. No panic needed. “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” (Julian of Norwich)
Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind 