I’m in a mood

I’ve been in a mood the last few days. It’s been hard to not be in a choir and singing. It’s what I know, how I worship, how I’m in community, and I miss it so much, especially during Holy Week. The Episcopal Church is in the liturgical tradition and we have services all week. I’m used to singing all of them, from the celebration and drama of Palm Sunday to foot washing and celebrating the Eucharist on Maundy Thursday, ending with the stripping of the altar. Then the quiet agony of Good Friday, often ending with a requiem in the evening after services from 12-3. Saturday’s Great Vigil was always my favorite Easter service, recounting in chant and ritual the history of the Jewish people up to the death of Christ, then bursting out with bells and lights and alleluias of Easter. Easter Sunday is a work day for choir people, often with 2-3 services to sing, and the Vigil gave us a chance to be in the moment and worship ourselves.

This year, though I have a church and followed online services, I’ve not been physically present – and not singing. Most of my neighbors are Baptists who of course celebrate Easter, but do so very differently than the tradition I’m used to. The day is the same, the resurrection is the same, but the way we do it is different, and the music is very different. I miss my friends from choirs past and found myself watching YouTube videos of choirs singing favorites such as Beethoven’s “Hallelujah!” from Christ on the Mount of Olives, Matthias’ “Let the People Praise Thee, O Lord“, which I learned in Virginia, and “We Shall Behold Him” which is newer to me but oh so powerful. And then there are the hymns. It’s not Easter without the eleventy million verses of “Hail Thee, Festival Day” which I think only Episcopalians sing.

On top of that, it’s been a week with lots of people in it, making me realize how much I’m more isolated now than ever before. Having people come over is great and wonderful but really tired me out. But if I don’t ask for help, ask for visitors, I don’t have them. I guess I still expect that other people will reach out to me but they really don’t. It’s out of sight, out of mind – and I can’t complain about it because I recognize that I often behaved that way myself. If someone I knew moved, there was a hole but it quickly filled up with people who were still there and life activities that kept going. I wasn’t good at keeping up with them when they were gone, so why would I think people would keep up with me after I moved? The difference this time for me is that I only moved 12 miles away instead of 1600 miles. I guess I thought it was close enough to stay in touch but it really hasn’t been. But phones work both ways and if I want to talk to/hear from people, I have the responsibility of reaching out myself. Being in a wheelchair doesn’t abrogate that.

So it’s a conflict. I’ve been alone for so much of the last eight months. Sometimes I’ve been achingly lonely, missing people like my right arm and needing their help. Most of the time I’m fine, just adjusting to being alone – tho months and months of Covid isolation actually prepared me for that. I’m figuring out how to do more for myself, partly to prove that I can and partly because there’s no one else to do things. Today I figured out how to reorganize near my bed so I can put my decorative shams back on the bed and have a place to put them when I sleep. I know, that sounds small, but it really isn’t. My bed looks more finished and I’m therefore happier.

Also making me happier is FINALLY having my porch screened in. The cats have hardly been inside since Wednesday, preferring to hang out on their chair cushions supervising the lawn and watching birds and squirrels. I haven’t figured out how to get out on the porch without using the walker and I’m not supposed to be doing that by myself. The chair won’t go through the door so it has to be the walker. I need to ask therapy this week about that.

Physically I’m in discomfort from problems with my shoulders, mostly on the right but some on the left as well. You can’t roll yourself in the chair without reaching backwards in a motion I don’t use for anything else, but the muscles are also essential every time I try to stand up or walk with the walker. This pain is muscular, not nerve (for a change) in the front of the upper arm/pec/inside the armpit. How on earth do you put anything on THAT to help? It hurts and it’s annoying.

Holding fast to my convictions

The President announced last week that churches are essential services and must be allowed to open. What he doesn’t understand, what so many people do not get, is that the church is not the building. It’s NEVER been the building, no matter how beautiful it is and how much people like worshipping there. This pretty much sums it up for me:

I work in a church that has not held in-person services since March 15th, but resumed yesterday with Golf Cart Church outside. Everyone was so excited to be back but I couldn’t make myself go. I knew almost no one would wear a mask which isn’t so scary to me outside – except they were singing. I cannot make myself do that; it’s too risky.

I’ve been singing in church choirs since I was 6 years old. It’s how I worship, it’s my community, it’s my home. But singing projects the virus far greater distances than even coughing does – as it also projects flu and colds. The coronavirus is highly contagious and there is no vaccine and won’t be for some time, no matter what the President claims. Science isn’t politics. Until there is a vaccine, it’s not safe to sing in groups; adding in close proximity and indoor spaces of being inside a church multiplies the risk. Not everyone will agree with me and that is their right. For me, this isn’t negotiable. Neither is wearing a mask out in public.

The country is opening back up after many weeks of shut down and almost 100,000 deaths, which are continuing to climb. But things couldn’t stay closed forever. Too many people are out of work, too many businesses are in financial distress or facing permanent closure. My neighbors are busy shopping, getting their hair and nails done, going out to eat, gathering for dinner parties. I rarely see any of them in a mask even though they are strongly recommended.

I’m wary. I’m not afraid of getting the virus, or even dying from it if it comes to that. I just don’t want to give it to someone else. Wearing a mask is a small thing to do – and it pisses me off that so few people do it. I’ve done a little shopping (okay, two stores other than grocery) but have no interest in eating out, dawdling in stores, or even getting my hair or nails done. They need it mind you, and my hair is ready, but I’m not.

So I’m feeling distant from my neighbors and friends. Well, there was a lot of that already because of politics. They are being true to who they are and the steps they think are the right ones for them to take, but those steps are not ones that feel right to me for myself. I think my Covid Isolation will continue a while longer and once it starts to get really hot (which is overdue), I know I won’t want to go out no matter what.

I do miss the gym, though, which is such an odd thing for me. It reopened this week but I’m giving it a little more time before I try to figure out a good time to go when minimal people will be there. Even without the gym and without getting maximum steps, I’ve continued to lose weight on Noom during lockdown. As of this morning, I’m down 45 lbs from my start in January. It feels good and I was actually insulted last week going to the doctor when they didn’t want me to get on the scale first.