Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind


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I Want to Eat Everything

Emotional eatingLast week I quietly strung together almost seven days of eating carefully and relatively easily within my food plan. This week it’s very different. I want to eat everything in sight unless it is a vegetable or fruit. So I guess it’s not everything I want, it’s specific tastes. My basic comfort food pyramid of salt, sugar, and carbs.

I want to crunch things but not baby carrots because they are healthy. Potato chips or soy crisps or popcorn work because they are salty and meltingly crunchy instead of crispy crunchy, the way an apple or those stupid little carrots taste.

I want chocolate, good chocolate or crummy chocolate as long as it’s sweet and rich and creamy tasting. Okay, really crummy chocolate isn’t going to do it for me right now. I want good stuff and since Valentine’s Day is just days away, there is and will be chocolate everywhere within hand’s reach – and later this week it will be on sale for 50-75% off. Uh oh, now that’s scary.

But then there is the lure of bread. Ahh, I love bread. It is my ultimate comfort food, which is why I can’t buy loaves of it to have in the house because I’ll sit and eat it mindlessly, slice after slice. Potato rolls I seem to be able to more or less manage – but a friend mentioned breadmakers the other day and my mind has gone off into scary tangents of justification. No, no, I can’t go there.

So I sit here with a stomach ache from eating too much of all the wrong things today. Fritos in the morning when I wasn’t even hungry, just wanting something with crunch and salt. Small meatball sub at lunch with extra marinara sauce. Little vanilla creme sandwich cookies – 2 packs of them, for no particular reason except they are addictive and were there when I was feeling squirrely. Mrs. Prindables chocolate covered caramels that were supposed to go to the office. Ha ha ha.

I managed to eat a balanced breakfast and a reasonable salad with layers and flavors and – blech – vegetables. I drank lots of water. But somehow that got overwhelmed by the other stuff. I knew what I was doing and did it anyway.

So what’s going on? I’m squirrely. I hate being cold with my toes turning into little ice cubes. I hate the gray and drear and sameness of the days. I’m tired of it being dark so early, even though it’s better than it was. I want long weekends when I can get out and explore and take pictures without taking off my insulated gloves and freezing my fingers.

I want to not have to worry that tomorrow is my weigh in day and it’s not going to be pretty. I’ll go anyway, but I don’t want to. I’m tired of doing a daily (private) inventory and have been blowing it off instead of doing it because it feels like work now and not a helpful tool.

I want a change. I want to be warm. I want to be planning a great vacation without having to worry about money. I want to be satisfied with healthy foods and not just the things that all the experts tell me will kill me. I want to not have the attitude that I’m going to die of something anyway so why not enjoy myself while I go. I want my tummy to stop hurting.

I want to feel better about myself. Maybe tomorrow I will.


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A Weekend to Relax and Unwind

MassageWhat to write, what to write. It’s been a quiet weekend here in gray and chilly Connecticut and my biggest accomplishment has been sleeping until I woke up both days. Of course, since I usually get up at 5:45 am, sleeping until 7:30 is a huge luxury.

Tessie stays curled up on the bottom of the bed, on top of the warm electric blanket, until I start to stretch and take off the CPAP mask. Then she climbs on my tummy for about a minute, and then we’re off. It takes me a good hour to wake up and I prefer to do it in my robe with a cup of coffee or a can of Diet Coke (depending on the day), watching the news and petting the kitty. It’s a nice way to start the day.

Yesterday afternoon I indulged in a full body massage, something I treat myself to as often as the budget allows. I like the background music – I think all massage therapists get theirs from the same catalog, with the sounds of water or quiet Celtic singing that we don’t understand – and the scent of the oils and lotions. I was so cozy and warm with a heating pad on the table beneath me and the chance to be very quiet and present in my body while A worked on my knots. There are always more than I realize and usually the ones that the therapist finds are worse than the ones I went in knowing about, which was true yesterday.

Today we had visits from strangers. I listed an old DVD player on Freecycle, which was picked up two hours after I posted it. Boy, was that fast! More than 10 people contacted me about it and I love that it was able to go to a good home so quickly, with just a single post and no lugging involved.

After lunch the pet sitters arrived for our consultation visit. It’s a young couple who share the responsibility of all the animals they care for, so both of them came to meet me and Tessie. I had called some references and they were recommended by my vet – and Tessie lasted about 5 minutes before she slipped away to my room to hide. Usually she’s gone the minute she hears voices other than mine. I’m comfortable with them and think they will take good care of her until I get back. They’re even going to send me email updates!

Food has been a little iffy. I’m journaling everything and trying to get in more, if not all, of the basic food groups. The essential oils are the hardest because I resent having to use points on them when they don’t seem to be real food. I’d rather have bread – but too much bread isn’t a good thing either. I did make a batch of pudding yogurt, something I haven’t done in a while. It makes a good evening substitute for ice cream plus it counts as dairy, which ice cream doesn’t. I used up odds and ends of three different bags of frozen fruit, so that also cleaned up the freezer some, too.

I made some poor choices – picking up a single serving pack of Entenmann’s donuts, for example – but even then I ate one and squished the other. Why do they think two donuts make a good portion? I succumbed to buying snacky crackery things today but got a small box of wheat things instead of a sleeve of fig newtons or peanut butter and cheese crackers. Mostly, though, I’m writing my food in advance which provides me guidance on what I will eat and know what extra I can have.

Tomorrow it’s back to work for a short week; Monday will actually be my only full day to do real work. Tuesday afternoon I have two meetings, one on electronic resources and the other on Web 2.0. Wednesday there is an all-day e-resources planning retreat from 9-4:30, followed immediately by WW. Somewhere in there, probably Tuesday, I’ll pack up for my trip to Texas. Leaving for the airport at 2:30am means I won’t get much sleep Wed. night so packing earlier gives me a head start.

I’m off to play “feather on a string” with Tessie. Hope you all had a good weekend and that your week is off to a good start.


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Experimenting With Breakfast

Breakfast FoodSome people find that night eating is the hardest challenge of the day. Other people want to snack all afternoon (learned from after school snacks?). Others nibble through the day and use all their points/calories/whatever in a big blowout meal for dinner.

I’ve become aware that I am none of those people. I like to eat all morning long, particularly on week days. I think it’s because I really am not a morning person and resent getting up at 5:45am when I’d rather snuggle in bed with Tessie. I eat a perfectly reasonable breakfast at home but still find myself snacking through the morning – more than just my planned snack, and usually those extra snacks have been pretty empty of any kind of nutrition. The salty ones are very tasty even if they are empty, though.

My best friend Phyllis and I were talking about our common problem of being morning eaters and decided that one approach to dealing with it is to deliberately shift our food intake. We know we’re going to eat more then, so we might as well make sure what we eat is better for us than the crap we’ve been grabbing. Muffins and chips and bagels and cookies don’t have the nutrition we need.

I’ve been in a rut with my breakfast, or rather a series of ruts. I need something easy and fast that doesn’t require me to think very hard so when I find a combo that works, I tend to eat it for weeks and months on end. My current choice is a banana with 2% Fage yogurt, a few craisins, and a squirt of honey, often with a Kim’s Light Bagel.

Unfortunately, my tummy isn’t totally happy with this. I have pills I have to take with food in the morning and I’m getting queasy which is not a good thing. So I’m rethinking back to what I’ve had in previous breakfast routines when the pills were less problematic. Those have included steelcut oatmeal and Vive cereal with a banana, and occasionally Kashi blueberry waffles with sugar free syrup. But those don’t stick with me long.

So I’m considering having cottage cheese, which I absolutely despise but which is full of protein. The fact that I despise it is a bit of a drawback but I have a little tub of Friendship 1% whipped cottage cheese that’s supposed to taste pretty good. Add some fruit with it and it should be okay, at least for an option. And I bought some real Thomas’ cranberry English muffins and had one today with the yogurt. It tasted yummy and I also didn’t get queasy, so that bodes well.

The next trick is to figure out snacks to bring with me to work to keep me from raiding the vending machines for something to fill the empty place. I know it’s not really physical hunger as much as some kind of emotional hole being filled but for right now, I need to make sure the things that I do put in my mouth are better for me than Snickers bars or Fritos.

So my project for the week is to experiment, both with breakfast food and with morning snacks, that will leave me feeling satisfied by the time I get through lunch. I’d rather use up a bunch of points in the morning on healthy, balanced food and eat less later in the day, since the crazy-making time is definitely between 6am-noon.

The things you learn about yourself.


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Overeating Member of Red Sox Nation

Red Sox LogoRight now I wish I was back in Boston. Back in the heart of Red Sox Nation, to celebrate with a whole city and state full of excited happy people, dancing in the streets over last night’s World Series win.

Instead, I’m here in Connecticut. There are Red Sox people here, too, of course, but we’re dangerously close to Yankee territory and we’re definitely outnumbered. Larry Lucchino said three years ago that we were the point of the sword deep into Yankee territory – but we were still part of Red Sox Nation. Last night was a late night and when the game was over, everyone was too excited and happy to sleep. That’s not a good plan when we have a whole work week ahead.

I’m trying not to think about all the food I’ve consumed in the last three days. Everything not nailed down that had sugar and fat managed to find their way into my mouth – cookies, Halloween candy, ice cream. I didn’t journal, I didn’t drink my water (well, some but not all), I didn’t get enough veggies or fruit. I was totally out of control.

It didn’t help and probably was exacerbated by the fact that I was home doing as little as possible. I felt totally drained and mindless, without energy for doing much of anything. Those days don’t come often but when they do, I just need to recharge. Usually I can do it without stuffing my face the whole day. I’m not really sure why this time it was bad, perhaps because I’d forced myself not to snack while my parents were here and it blew out in bad ways.

I know that I’ll be up at the scale on Wednesday and I really don’t care. Actions have consequences and when I eat more of the things outside the program, I gain weight. That’s actually a cautionary truth, a hard reality that I see with my eyes as much as I feel it in the tightness of my pants.

Tomorrow is Tuesday and I’m going to water aerobics after playing hooky for two weeks. I need the workout and hope the water isn’t freezing. My new car heating pad is here and I’ll give it a whirl out in the parking lot before class.