Fighting Inertia

When things are going well or I’m doing something interesting, I tend to write. When things are overwhelming me, I have no time and don’t write. When I’m stressed, whether overwhelmed or not, I eat. Guess what I’ve been doing lately?

I worked hard to lost the weight that seemed to come off fairly easily last year. But that was during COVID time, when the world was contracted and I did little more than be home or go to work in the mornings in an almost empty office. I made trips to the store once a week, so my shopping was carefully planned and I bought less random stuff. And since there were no social outings on the schedule – no parties, no lunches, no restaurant visits – I ate more carefully and was more faithful in planning and writing my food.

I’ve gained 8 lbs of that hard-won weight back and I’m not happy about it. But at the same time, I’m not UNhappy that I’m 55 lbs down from where I started. On the other hand (and I have lots of hands to juggle things), I don’t want to stay where I am. I know all the things to do, I just need to do them. Yeah, I say that a lot, don’t I?

But I have a plan. I’m not starting ALL of these at once because that will set me up to fail. So this week I’m working on the first three:

• Re-upped with Noom and asked my Goal Specialist to reset me to the very beginning. I will set aside 20 minutes every morning to read the articles and make notes for myself.
  
• Plan to eat 1450 calories/day and NOT eat any exercise calories. They get out of hand too fast.
  
• Go to the gym three days a week for 30 minutes, twice during the week and once on the weekend.
  
• Emptied the pantry of the snacks, even portion controlled ones, that have snuck in there. — DONE
  
• Plan my weekly food and shop from a detailed list WITHOUT picking up the extra random stuff (unless it’s produce).
  
• Eat at least one meal (lunch or dinner) per week from the club or restaurant. Favorites: Jersey Mike’s #2 mini sub on rosemary parmesan bread, pizza or mini-slider basket from the club, or Chinese food from Liang’s (now open in a new closer location – yayyy!).
  
• Switch my Diet Pepsi to cans from bottles as part of cutting back.

I’ve been acting from inertia for the last months. It’s as though I forgot how to handle social and work stress during COVID time, and I’m finding it hard to make decisions. My world seems to revolve around my cats, going to work in the mornings, eating unplanned things on my own, and not getting enough sleep or exercise. Where do I want to go on vacation? Dunno, and am not motivated to figure it out. When am I going to ask for a few days off? Later, always later. What am I doing about landscape changes? Procrastinating. Have I worked on my big genealogy project of publishing sourced histories for each grandparent? No. Do I have a plan to do it? No.

Sometimes I wonder if my part-time job is helping or hurting. I know I don’t want to be working full-time now, and the “full time part-time” job at the church seems ideal – close to home, easy hours, chance to play with new technology, time with other people, work not that difficult. But at the same time, I really like the few days when I can sleep until I wake up. It’s never LATE, but it’s later than I’m doing now. I have fewer options for doing things with friends who aren’t working and who take day trips or meet for lunch or other outings. I’d have more time to work on genealogy and putter.

But I would be lonely, I think. And as a single retired person living alone, that matters a lot. I might be peopled-out by the time I get home, but at least I have time with other people every day. There’s no pressure for me to change anything and I have the power – and am the only one WITH the power – to decide to do something differently. Like, make a plan for taking time off and then actually doing it.

Right now, though, I’m going to focus on getting myself back on track with eating more carefully. Not dieting, I’m not doing that. But carefully and with intention. I can do this.

To Do Lists With Lots of Things

It’s been a rocky month or two, food wise. Oh, I know all the things to do. I just don’t want to do them. I want to eat things that have no business being in my house but inexplicably are. Well, of course there is an explanation: I bought them. A year ago I wouldn’t have been tempted by them, flying high on successfully transforming my eating and my body. But that’s come to a standstill and I’ve been up and down the same few pounds – which seems worse when you weigh every day than it probably actually is.

So what’s going on? I’m stressed on multiple levels. And I’m comparing myself to friends or even strangers in my Facebook weight loss groups who are doing great. I know it’s not a competition and that comparisons are odious. We’re each on our own journey with ups and downs that don’t match up with another person’s ups and downs. But it’s depressing to see them doing well when I’m not. There are a couple of options: eat better, own up to what I’m doing and stop beating on myself, stop following the Facebook groups if they are making me nutty.

But mostly I think I’m bored. I’m really, really bored. I’m tired of wearing masks and staying alone, but I’m also not quite ready to get in groups and party. I’m tired of eating the same foods all the time. No one is making me do that, I can make different choices, but I’m not doing it because same is easy and I know how to fit those foods into the calorie allotment I have each day. I’m ready for a vacation from work which I haven’t had in longer than I can remember. But I don’t know what I’m going to do with it other than not go.

I like lists and structure and plans. So I’m making some to help me move forward and feel in control.

Things Already Done or Scheduled:

• Unfollowed the two weight loss Facebook Groups until after Easter; will reassess then
• Threw out snacky food in the house
• Made haircut appointment
• Scheduled Mah Jongg group lunch and game day
• Scheduled landscape designer visit tomorrow to come up with redesign plan
• Scheduled Pain Management procedure for SI joint injection and right knee nerve burn

Things to Do in the Next Week:

• Work out menu options for meals that can be swapped out.
• Eat three different breakfasts and three different lunches during the week.
• Make a date to go to visit my brother at the ranch in the next month.
• Schedule times three days a week to go to the gym.
• Schedule a session with the gym staff to get oriented on new equipment.
• Check the April calendar at work and decide when I can take three days off to make an extra long weekend.
• Weed closet of clothes and jewelry to take to consignment shop.
• Take 2 boxes of papers to be shredded.

Other Things To Get Done:

• Call electrician to fix broken outlet and check out porch ceiling fan
• Get front exterior faucet fixed
• Buy and plant flowers in pots for front of house
• Talk with TIAA to rebalance portfolio
• Clean carpets
• Take cats to the vet for shots

My Patience is Wearing Thin

I don’t have much patience for much of anything these days, springing up from a variety of sources including but not limited to politics, social media, body aches, cold weather, rain, weight loss stall, bad hair, gray wet skies, and covid stress. Isolation is probably a factor, too, although I don’t feel all that isolated since I go to work and talk to people every day. Still, it’s been exactly a year since Covid was first discovered in the U.S. and it’s changed everything we do and how we do it.

Today specifically I was ready to bite the head off of people in my Facebook group for people with much to lose. I know that January is the month for starting diets – I started Noom last January, too – but it’s making me crazy when I see post after post after post talking about how they are “stuck” after not losing any weight for 3 or 5 or 7 days following a 10 lbs loss in two weeks. This is called NORMAL. It’s a body adjustment. Losing 10 pounds in two weeks is wonderful and motivating and not in the least sustainable. Yet they keep asking and don’t read other posts from people who are asking the EXACT SAME QUESTION.

I think my problem here is really one with social media a.k.a. stupid media. And it’s generational. I don’t pop onto a group and ask a question without doing a simple check to see if anyone else had asked it recently. If so, I read their question/answer and if I still have questions, I’ll ask. I don’t think most people do this, though, and it both puzzles and saddens me. And then it makes me mad at myself for being annoyed.

I’m the oddball and yet I expect others to use this tool the same way I do. I suspect my librarian friends do because we are good researchers and don’t like wasting other people’s time. Though maybe I’m just an old fart there, too, and would find that Millennial librarians do the “pop up and ask without checking” approach, too.

I’m also impatient with my poor technology skills. Oh, I’m good on the computer but I still haven’t figured out how to set up my TV for Internet streaming. It can’t be that hard and I’m smart but the longer I go without using a stick or streaming service or whatever, the more annoyed I am with myself. I have a smart TV but am not a smart TV owner. I don’t do well just reading instructions. I do better when I can watch and ask questions. YouTube lets me watch but not ask. Maybe I should hire a teenager to explain all this to me.

My patience for just plugging on losing weight is pretty low right now, too. I’m just really so tired of thinking about food every waking minute. And I’m tired of seeing all of these new dieter people chime in with their starting weights about the same as where I hope to end up after losing another 60 lbs. It’s not a competition, I know that, but it can get discouraging to think that no matter where I end up, I’ll still be fat, at least in my own head. And naturally that makes me want to eat chocolate if I can find it, even if just a little. It’s not a good solution and I can do better.

Maybe I need to give myself permission to take a year or half-year off from trying to lose. There are other ways to mark and celebrate change and progress than the number on the scale. Whether I lose more or not, I want to MOVE more and to enjoy it. To WANT to go to the gym and to be able to do things with people when Covid settles down enough to make that real. I’d still like to learn how to line dance, though with the knee I know I need to be careful. I’d like to try Pilates and to find a bathing suit that fits and use the pool without feeling embarassed. I can do those things if I let go of the fear and just take the first steps

Surgery While Obese

Surgery involves medical, logistical, and emotional issues. The medical ones are obvious: what’s actually wrong with your body, what the surgeon and medical team do to repair/remove/replace that, and what the recovery will involve. There are also logistical issues that most hospitals and surgeons address with you at least in general terms for what to expect when you get home: rearranging furniture to clear pathways, filling prescriptions in advance, fueling the car, stocking the fridge and pantry with prepared foods that are easy to heat/serve/eat, figuring out hygiene issues, finding help for household tasks like laundry.

And then there are emotional issues. All surgery is scary, even when they tell you it’s a simple procedure. You’re in a strange place with people you don’t know poking and prodding you, sticking needles in your arm, and cutting into your body while you’re asleep. Things can go wrong; consent forms tell you of the risks. Some surgery carries with it bad news about cancer or organ damage, and the emotional toll that takes is high, both for you and those who wait with and for you.

We “people of size” AKA fatties (or I prefer the term “fluffy”) have other emotional concerns that generally remain locked deep inside:  Will I and my body be respected while I am under your care?  Will you think less of me and talk about me and take pictures of my fat rolls while I’m asleep? Will the hospital gown fit me or will my butt be left hanging?  Will the blood pressure cuff fit on my arm?  Will the boot for my post-op leg actually fit?  If you have to make a trip to get things to fit me, will it be obvious that you consider that an unwanted chore? Do you even know that I’m worried about these things?

These have happened to me more than once, and to everyone else I know who is obese. They hang over me when I go the hospital. They worry me and raise my blood pressure. They make it harder for me to listen to you even when you’re talking about important things. Sometimes they are more important to me than the reason I’m there for the surgery in the first place.

Yesterday I had gastroc recession surgery at a hospital outpatient surgical center. It was a simple procedure to lengthen my calf muscle, but I was still worried about all of the above other things. The admitting clerk was friendly and efficient – and she was my size. So after we finished signing me in, I asked her if this was safe place for someone of size. And she got it. Immediately. She told me that yes, she trusted all of the people there to respect every patient regardless of size, and that other attitudes and behaviors were not tolerated. It was reassuring.

When I got into the little prep room and even before they took my blood pressure, a woman dressed in different colored scrubs appeared and said she needed privacy to talk with me.  The admitting clerk had gone to her senior administrator to tell her of my worries and she wanted to reassure me in person that I would be treated with the best care and respect that they afford every patient. She looked me straight in the eyes and told me she would not accept anything less. I believed her.

The gown already waiting for me was generously sized and fit me. The blood pressure cuff already in the room fit comfortably around my arm. The IV went in without a hitch the first time. When I woke up in recovery, my boot was sized to fit my foot and not my leg, with first velcro and then tape to hold it securely in place. The wheelchair that took me to the car was roomy.

Everyone treated me with respect and care. My worries were real, but I believe I would have been treated that way even had I not shared my fears.  But I’m also not sorry I spoke up because it calmed me to know that I was really heard. The clerk heard me and took action; the administrator heard her and took action. They took me seriously and immediately addressed the concerns, which raises their quality as an institution in my eyes. I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend them to others and would go back again without those emotional worries.

Surgery involves more than just medical expertise. We expect that from our surgeons and the staff who work there. The human element that respects all patients regardless of shape, size, age, or physical disability, matters just as much, for more than just the body needs care. At least I do.

Avoiding Trouble Isn’t Always Painless

Our campus is invaded every summer by groups of high school students  from around the world, here as part of two 3-week programs designed to give them first-hand experience of life at a ivy league university. Great experience for them if they actually take advantage of it.  Mostly I see them walking the campus in packs, clogging the sidewalks, wearing tight t-shirts and barely-there shorts that show off their tans and blonde hair.

Individually they don’t bother me, but when they travel in packs, something twists inside my stomach and I want to cross the street to avoid them.  I don’t, but I do step out of the way; when I say they travel in packs, I mean 3-4 across, 2-3 rows deep.  They form a big clot moving down the sidewalk that way, pushing aside everything in their path, talking up a storm, and commenting about the other people (i.e., us) being in their way.

The other day on the way to the parking lot after work, a car of them drove by and one of the girls yelled something out at me and made faces in a kind of viscious way.  I thought I would either cry or throw up or both; it felt very personal and came so fast that I was unprepared

I was running late today and didn’t bring a lunch.  And I couldn’t bear to be out on the sidewalk alone, avoiding the clogs of thoughtless young people looking at me and making comments about my size, or the joy of finding almost every chair in the local restaurants full of them.   So instead of going out to lunch, I stayed in the office and just worked on projects and had a Fiber 1 peanut bar on my break.  I wasn’t particularly hungry so it wasn’t hard, but I was annoyed and ashamed of not doing what I wanted just to avoid dealing with those kids.  On the other hand, I didn’t eat junk.

It will be a real relief when the real students are back where they belong.