Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind


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Pity Party for One

Herons at Emerald BayMoving to Texas was my idea and I have no regrets about the decision. But I must confess that it’s hard to once again give up everything I know – even more than usual this time because there’s no new job at the other end. I found myself in tears yesterday, realizing that there’s no one coming with me who shares any memories of life and working days from Virginia to Connecticut with stops in Maine and Boston.

I’ve done this before. I’ve moved to places where I didn’t know anyone in the whole state. Certainly I’m not the only person who’s done this.

But I’m feeling vulnerable today, quiet and sad. And fat, but that’s not anything new. I have 10 work days left and three weeks from today we leave on the big road trip to Texas. Lots to do and think and plan – but I also need to give myself permission to feel and grieve and let go. I’ve been holding on by my fingernails in some ways and that’s not sustainable or healthy. Good thing I’m starting the day with a therapy appointment!

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Big Medicine

Fat woman in a bikiniI watch a lot of programs on TLC about renovating a wardrobe or a house, and my beloved “Clean Sweep” gives me tips on decluttering. With my unhappy back, I’ve been watching (or listening – I can multi-task) to quite a number of shows in the last few days. And I’ve been noticing the ads for their new show “Big Medicine” which premier’s tomorrow (Mon. May 28 at 9/8 c).

Have you seen the ads? They’re sort of in black and white with large bodies dotted with cellulite, seen only in part with voiceovers talking about things we say to ourselves – things like “I just want to be a normal person.” The voices were heartbreaking to me because I could so easily identify with them and with the lumpy bodies.

The premise of the show is to “chronicle the emotional journeys and transformation of obese people who have opted to undergo weight-loss surgery in an attempt to regain their lives. ” I don’t think I can watch it, however good it may be. I already know it’s an emotional journey and the reasons why people opt to undergo the surgery. I don’t want to see them be exposed and vulnerable because I feel vulnerable myself when I do. It’s not sensible but it’s there.

About 10 years ago I shared a hospital room with a woman who had just had a gastric bypass. Our room was set up so that the beds faced each other which made conversation easier when we felt like talking and weren’t drugged up and out of it. It was the first time I’d talked to someone who had made that choice and we had an open and honest discussion about living as obese women. About all the diets we’d tried and failed; the problems with clothes, furniture, and travel; the deep sadness and anger and sense of personal failures because we were fat and couldn’t reverse course. She took the brave step of surgery; I stayed with Weight Watchers and have going up and down and up and down. I’ve often wondered how she did after her surgery and hoped she was happy.

I’ve been singlemindedly focused on food and weight loss for too long and am now in a different place. My approach now is to just go with the flow, working my program and listening to my body. It’s slow but it works for me and I don’t feel obsessed with food. I know how to do this and can tell I’m making better choices than I was even 6 months ago.

I lost 1.4 lbs this week. And I won’t be watching “Big Medicine.” If you do, tell me how you found it.