I fell apart today

I hear a lot of people telling me that I’m strong and so focused and so determined. Maybe. But it comes at a high cost. Today I fell apart in therapy, grateful that for some reason it was the only day ever that my therapist and I were the only ones in the rehab room.

I’ve been pretty seriously depressed for months, and in denial of the toll it was taking on me to be strong and focused and determined. I didn’t feel that I had a choice. No one is here to do things for or with me, things like self-care and home-tending and figuring out how to get from Point A to Point B. Oh, I had help from home health and out patient therapy, and I hired someone to help me early on with showers and laundry, etc. But when roadblocks popped up, I found I could do more than I thought I could do. And it’s important to me to be as independent as possible for as long and for as much as I can do.

But the reality is that I’m in a wheelchair with feet that don’t work right. My right ankle hasn’t improved in ten months and may never get better. I can walk 300 feet or so but that’s not all that much – though it’s certainly better than Day One when I was unable to stand up. Yes, there’s been improvement. But it still sucks.

When I’m depressed, I eat, and over the past 10 months have managed to regain all the weight that I worked so hard to lose to get me qualified to have spine surgery. At first I wasn’t sure if my physical discomfort was just because I was in a chair and not moving as much as I had before. That’s certainly part of it. But I’m eating too much of the wrong things. I know how to do this. I’ve done it over and over and over in the past. Let’s face it – I’m not feeling joy in a whole lot of things right now, and food brings comfort even when it causes discomfort.

And I’m lonely and terribly isolated. I love my apartment and have NO regrets about moving here, but I’im one of the younger residents and I really miss being with people my own age. I had some friends over last week for a lunch and visit, and I loved seeing them so much that it really drove home that those visits were few and far between in the last months.

At my request, my doctor put me on an anti-depressant about a month ago and I’ve asked the therapy people for recommendations of people I could talk to about the huge life changes I’m dealing with. Of course, getting to them won’t be easy but not much is these days.

I know, whine whine whine, poor me, you can do it. Yes, I can. I can deal with all of this. But not today. Today I want to cuddle a kitty and eat cookies and cry a little. I’m allowed. Because tomorrow I have to get up and keep going.

Fighting Inertia

When things are going well or I’m doing something interesting, I tend to write. When things are overwhelming me, I have no time and don’t write. When I’m stressed, whether overwhelmed or not, I eat. Guess what I’ve been doing lately?

I worked hard to lost the weight that seemed to come off fairly easily last year. But that was during COVID time, when the world was contracted and I did little more than be home or go to work in the mornings in an almost empty office. I made trips to the store once a week, so my shopping was carefully planned and I bought less random stuff. And since there were no social outings on the schedule – no parties, no lunches, no restaurant visits – I ate more carefully and was more faithful in planning and writing my food.

I’ve gained 8 lbs of that hard-won weight back and I’m not happy about it. But at the same time, I’m not UNhappy that I’m 55 lbs down from where I started. On the other hand (and I have lots of hands to juggle things), I don’t want to stay where I am. I know all the things to do, I just need to do them. Yeah, I say that a lot, don’t I?

But I have a plan. I’m not starting ALL of these at once because that will set me up to fail. So this week I’m working on the first three:

• Re-upped with Noom and asked my Goal Specialist to reset me to the very beginning. I will set aside 20 minutes every morning to read the articles and make notes for myself.
  
• Plan to eat 1450 calories/day and NOT eat any exercise calories. They get out of hand too fast.
  
• Go to the gym three days a week for 30 minutes, twice during the week and once on the weekend.
  
• Emptied the pantry of the snacks, even portion controlled ones, that have snuck in there. — DONE
  
• Plan my weekly food and shop from a detailed list WITHOUT picking up the extra random stuff (unless it’s produce).
  
• Eat at least one meal (lunch or dinner) per week from the club or restaurant. Favorites: Jersey Mike’s #2 mini sub on rosemary parmesan bread, pizza or mini-slider basket from the club, or Chinese food from Liang’s (now open in a new closer location – yayyy!).
  
• Switch my Diet Pepsi to cans from bottles as part of cutting back.

I’ve been acting from inertia for the last months. It’s as though I forgot how to handle social and work stress during COVID time, and I’m finding it hard to make decisions. My world seems to revolve around my cats, going to work in the mornings, eating unplanned things on my own, and not getting enough sleep or exercise. Where do I want to go on vacation? Dunno, and am not motivated to figure it out. When am I going to ask for a few days off? Later, always later. What am I doing about landscape changes? Procrastinating. Have I worked on my big genealogy project of publishing sourced histories for each grandparent? No. Do I have a plan to do it? No.

Sometimes I wonder if my part-time job is helping or hurting. I know I don’t want to be working full-time now, and the “full time part-time” job at the church seems ideal – close to home, easy hours, chance to play with new technology, time with other people, work not that difficult. But at the same time, I really like the few days when I can sleep until I wake up. It’s never LATE, but it’s later than I’m doing now. I have fewer options for doing things with friends who aren’t working and who take day trips or meet for lunch or other outings. I’d have more time to work on genealogy and putter.

But I would be lonely, I think. And as a single retired person living alone, that matters a lot. I might be peopled-out by the time I get home, but at least I have time with other people every day. There’s no pressure for me to change anything and I have the power – and am the only one WITH the power – to decide to do something differently. Like, make a plan for taking time off and then actually doing it.

Right now, though, I’m going to focus on getting myself back on track with eating more carefully. Not dieting, I’m not doing that. But carefully and with intention. I can do this.

Facing Weight Gain and a Bad Knee

When I lost weight the last time, the successful time, I started out heavier than I am now but my body was pretty much the same size. The biggest difference is that my knee is in crappy shape and is seriously limiting my comfort level in standing or walking for any length of time.

Every once in a while I see myself reflected in a window or my shadow lurching as I walk, and it looks pretty sad.  I look old, fat, and disabled. The excess pounds aren’t helping, I know, but the knee is just not structurally sound anymore.  But having surgery isn’t something I can wave a wand to do.  And it won’t, and shouldn’t, abrogate my personal responsibility for shedding some pounds to relieve the strain on the joint.

It’s been almost 7 years since I went to WW and buckled down to make serious changes.  I was a quiet person in class for a long time and didn’t make a big deal about working the program; I just did it.  I started working out at the gym in limited ways until I could do more; I brought lunch most days, and pretty much eliminated a social life so I could make this the only thing I did.  I was afraid to deviate,  afraid of temptation, afraid of failure.

Well, it’s time to face facts. I have failed and failed spectacularly.  I’m not comfortable in this bigger body.  Finding cute clothes, in my closet or elsewhere, is impossible.  My stamina is minimal for walking and standing for any length of time.   It’s taken me 5 years to regain this weight, which for me is a pretty long time.  But having been through menopause and with this problem knee which limits exercise, I know it’s going to be a lot harder to get it off again.  And that’s discouraging before I even start.

I read blogs from others of you who are in maintenance mode or close to it, and even with your struggles, I feel pretty isolated.  I’m not sure what to do, to be honest.  I don’t think I can face WW again and wonder how to manage sticking to a restrictive plan on my own.  I have done a very poor job of it so far so that doesn’t bode well.  I may actually ask my doctor if I can come in and weigh in at the Health Plan once a month so I have that accountability – for free. But maybe I need the structure and community of WW, if I’m able to make myself go.

I’m giving myself this week to think through what changes I’m willing to make, knowing from experience that making too many at once is a recipe for failure.  I want to cook up success instead.

Recommitting to Weight Watchers

I’ve been seriously debating whether to stop paying for Weight Watchers meetings since I don’t seem to be very focused on actually following the program. On the one hand it feels like a waste of money – and on the other hand, I know that if I had abandoned the weekly weigh in, I would have gained back every pound already.

So I guess that’s a no-brainer.

The ideal solution is for me to find the focus again so I actually do the program. It works if I follow it and it gives me flexibility and options. Right now I’m operating on “emotional eating” mode, something I’ve perfected in my quest to fill pain and stress with comfort food. How’s it working for me? Not very well, actually.

My former WW leader Arlene used to tell us a story about a friend of hers who was dealing with a confluence of crises in her life, and yet was able to stay on program. When asked how she did it, she said that the only thing she could control in her life right then was food. Everything else was out of her hands. So she controlled what she could and it helped her with some structure and kept her from careening around, hammered by all the other stuff happening to and around her.

Eating whatever I want isn’t helping me with the stress currently on my plate. Neither is turning into a couch potato. I can control my food even while I’m dealing with some stress points. I can add in some walking, especially now that the time has changed and there’s more light at the end of the day. I can drink another bottle of water while at work instead of another bottle of Diet Coke.

I think I’ll put on my walking shoes and get dressed for work and put some of that into play today.

Thoughts on My Annual Physical Exam

I hate having a physical exam and today’s was hard since I barely know the doctor – and I knew I’d gained weight since last August, which is the only time I’ve ever laid eyes on her. It didn’t help that I had a big bowl of soup and a drink immediately before going over. Getting on the scale was not happy thing and I could feel my stress level rising as I pushed those little weight things along the sliding scale to rack up the evil total. Miraculously I’ve only gained 12 lbs since August, though it seems like much more.

I was armed with a piece of paper with all my current meds and the questions I wanted to ask about assorted body parts, from the sore foot (x-rayed to see if there’s a stress fracture), unhappy knee (referral to orthopedics), to the sleep problems (arrange to have the CPAP data faxed to the doctor). Fasting bloodwork will come later this week.

And I couldn’t keep myself from raising the weight thing, my frustration at having gained and feeling a bit stressed at work. To her credit, she didn’t tell me I was an evil fat person who was going to die soon if I didn’t crack down and lose the extra pounds. She did ask if I’d considered gastric bypass or the lapband surgery, both of which are performed at our hospital.

I’ve always said flat out that I wouldn’t consider either of those options but lately I admit that the lapband one has been surfacing again. Whether it’s physically an option or not, I don’t think that I’m able to manage the mental part. Until I really get that sorted out, I’m not sure I’d have the motivation to eat the more restrictive foods and amounts. Hell, if I can’t even do the WW portions, why would I think I could do the other?

The doctor was supportive and didn’t insist, although she did tell me that if next year I want to talk about it, to think about a decision based on current research and not comments from people who had the surgeries a while ago. Things have changed dramatically and both surgeries are now performed laproscopically in 95% of patients.

The motivation has to come from somewhere, though, and if I can find it again, there’s no reason I can’t lose the weight without the surgery. I’m really relieved that there isn’t medical pressure to go another direction.