When I lost weight the last time, the successful time, I started out heavier than I am now but my body was pretty much the same size. The biggest difference is that my knee is in crappy shape and is seriously limiting my comfort level in standing or walking for any length of time.
Every once in a while I see myself reflected in a window or my shadow lurching as I walk, and it looks pretty sad. I look old, fat, and disabled. The excess pounds aren’t helping, I know, but the knee is just not structurally sound anymore. But having surgery isn’t something I can wave a wand to do. And it won’t, and shouldn’t, abrogate my personal responsibility for shedding some pounds to relieve the strain on the joint.
It’s been almost 7 years since I went to WW and buckled down to make serious changes. I was a quiet person in class for a long time and didn’t make a big deal about working the program; I just did it. I started working out at the gym in limited ways until I could do more; I brought lunch most days, and pretty much eliminated a social life so I could make this the only thing I did. I was afraid to deviate, afraid of temptation, afraid of failure.
Well, it’s time to face facts. I have failed and failed spectacularly. I’m not comfortable in this bigger body. Finding cute clothes, in my closet or elsewhere, is impossible. My stamina is minimal for walking and standing for any length of time. It’s taken me 5 years to regain this weight, which for me is a pretty long time. But having been through menopause and with this problem knee which limits exercise, I know it’s going to be a lot harder to get it off again. And that’s discouraging before I even start.
I read blogs from others of you who are in maintenance mode or close to it, and even with your struggles, I feel pretty isolated. I’m not sure what to do, to be honest. I don’t think I can face WW again and wonder how to manage sticking to a restrictive plan on my own. I have done a very poor job of it so far so that doesn’t bode well. I may actually ask my doctor if I can come in and weigh in at the Health Plan once a month so I have that accountability – for free. But maybe I need the structure and community of WW, if I’m able to make myself go.
I’m giving myself this week to think through what changes I’m willing to make, knowing from experience that making too many at once is a recipe for failure. I want to cook up success instead.