New Year, Fresh Start

This blog used to just be about dieting and my relationship to food. That changed over time, and it was healthy, but then it kept creeping back because, well, so did the weight. It always has. I was on my first diet at age 10 and have done everything I could think of to look normal over the years. Weight Watchers more times than I can count. Medical fasts. Nutrisystem. Grapefruit. Phen-fen. Lapband.

Here’s the thing – they all work as long as I’m motivated to actually workk the plan, whatever it is. The motivation is what falters, because I get scared of success, and I resent being treated differently because I’m thinner. And I’m afraid, always afraid, that the weight will come back, because that’s my pattern.

But it’s another new year, one with nice round numbers, and I’m ready to make some changes. I don’t feel comfortable in my body and every doctor I’ve talked to in the last 6 months (and there have been more than I wanted to see) has started our visit by talking about my weight. I hate it. But they’re right.

So my goal for 2020 is to eat healthy, move more, and be comfortable in my body. And I have a plan for getting there. Maybe more on that later, after I have some time and success under my belt. For now, it’s about starting and sticking to something I’ve avoided.

My fridge is full of healthy things – broccoli (lots and lots of broccoli), grapes, chicken, eggs, raspberries, clementines, yogurt. Well, it always has yogurt – I’m addicted to Fage 2% plain yogurt. There are sweet potatoes and bananas, hummus and carrot sticks, and a plan to eat them in healthy ways.

New shoes will get here on Monday. My feet are ginormously wide and I need to order them online, or at least ones that fit properly. If I’m going to be walking and exercising, I need good shoes. Check. When I’m brave enough to put on a bathing suit, there’s a pool at the gym. I used to love pool walking and exercises, which are good for my cranky joints. But I’m not brave enough for that yet, especially in a community with ton of people who frequent the same gym. I’m not ready to be seen.

But I’m ready to do this. I don’t really care how long it takes; what matters is that I’m doing it. Happy New Year, me.

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