Random Thoughts of a Disordered Mind

Looking back

1 Comment

Weight Watcher ChickensFour years ago on July 1st, I joined Weight Watchers, so today’s meeting day was essentially was my anniversary. I missed the meeting because I was so overwhelmed getting ready for my conference trip on Wednesday – since tomorrow is a holiday, the building is closed and I won’t be in, so it had to be done today. I wanted to go to WW but couldn’t do both. Sigh.

I don’t feel very happy with myself about where I am – I’m uncomfortably full, having eaten too much junk food today, even though it was healthy junk food. It was nervous and stressed eating, I knew it, and did it anyway, but at least I was aware of what I was doing. This is a step. But it’s not enough.

Four years ago I was excited and motivated and had the confidence and courage to do the plan as it was written. I’ve gotten away from that more and more, gotten lazy in how I treat this whole eating and food issue thing. I talk the talk but don’t walk the walk all that much anymore.

But having said that, when I look back at where i was in 2002 and where I am now, I’m in a better place. I have maintained a significant weight loss and I’m healthier than I was then, stronger and more confident, and blonde, too — it’s a big improvement. Although I’m not working out right now, that’s really because of the knee problems and not because i don’t get that working out is important. I actually miss it and look forward to getting back to it through PT and beyond.

It’s important to remember that I’ve made BIG progress over four years ago. This is a hard journey and I’m not going to stop eating, so I have to learn to deal with food in new ways. I spent a looooooong time developing my destructive eating habits and it’s going to take me a loooooooooong time to really learn new ones that stick and feel comfortable. Maybe they never will, but I will be able to do them without wanting to rebel against everything by reaching for food. I know it’s not the right answer and some of the time I can do something else. It’s progress that I think about it when it’s something I really want to hide in a big dark closet somewhere.

I’m off to this conference and food will be everywhere. That’s hard to deal with, little control over what’s available and unlimited amounts of dangerous things. I’m making a commitment to have no more than one glass of wine a day if that, to keep a water bottle with me at all times, and eat appetizers instead of entrees where there are options to do that. And when my knee hurts, I will take care of it and not pretend that it doesn’t. No beating myself up for slipping on food, exercise, or sleep. Just picking up and going to the next event without that big monkey on my back is a big deal.

As Laura S. on the Amazon Blog says, “Personal transformation takes a long time and a lot of work.” She’s so right.

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One thought on “Looking back

  1. First of all, I like how you are seeing progress and seeing progress in ways that are outside of weight loss and the scales. Progress and transformation is often seen as pounds lost for us. Just as the pounds gained is a manifestation of our problems, losing weight doesn’t mean we have solved it. It just means we managed to lose weight. You, on the other hand, are taking care of the situation which causes weight gain and any weight you have lost or will lose, will probably stay lost.

    Secondly, I like that you have a plan for the conference as far as food is concerned. Enjoy what you do eat and make sure you have good company and make sure you have a good meal. And most importantly, have fun! You are doing great in so many ways.

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